Posted in Humor

Eight Tips You Didn’t Know You Needed

Very few people know this about me, but not only do I love lists of any kind, I also love obscure but helpful tips and random facts that will never do me any good. I’ve been known to shout them out during conversations when I’m nervous. My loved ones seem to think this is funny. My doctor doesn’t.

There is literally nothing I can’t and won’t make a list about. This list is a collection of some of my favorite tips. I am an abyss of tips, facts, tidbits and home remedies but please don’t ever ask me to do math or public speaking. I can’t be perfect at everything.

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Diet Coke
  1. Using Diet Coke as a mixer will get you more intoxicated (aka drunk) than it’s regular or sugar free twin. I will not elaborate on when or why I have had intoxication as a final goal (sometimes only) for my evening. I will reinforce that I have a total of six kids with my husband. And two dogs, two birds and a turtle. And a full time job. And a husband. Life is not always easy, am I right?
  2. If you love Nature Valley’s granola bars but hate looking like a crumb bomb went off on you and caused 19 casualties, microwave it for 30 seconds first. I don’t snack a lot. I’d rather just eat a full meal with meat and vegetables or a huge plate of nachos. But I do get a craving for these bars every now and then, especially the peanut butter ones. I have regretted eating them every single time I did it before learning this trick. This granola bar would definitely win the vote for most destructive snack bar.
  3. This one I’ve only heard about but I’m dying to try it. It’s so James Bondish and I’ve always thought of myself a spy. Seems like I’m a bad one that doesn’t work for anyone but that’s o.k. We all start somewhere. I’ve made many code words with people over the years but the only one that has stuck is the “get this creep away from me” signal from the bar to my girlfriends. Anyway, if you see a pickle stand at Disneyland, and you ask them (the workers of the stand) how their day was, they have to give you a free pickle! I don’t know what happens to them if they refuse or who you contact to get them fired. I’m not even sure what a pickle stand looks like.
  4. This tidbit might not be so surprising. Mountain Dew was originally made to go with whiskey which seems fitting to me. When I think of this, I imagine a bunch of coal miners in the hills of Appalachia drinking whiskey with a mountain dew mixer. They probably threw in an ounce of their local cocaine just to make it kick a little harder. They have a group picture of the whole crew in their matching overalls standing around on their five minute lunch break surrounded by pissed off donkeys and women that look like they’re being treated worse than the donkeys. This concoction is all of their’s favorite. Even the donkeys.
  5. I’ve seen this trick but never tried it. My friend used toothpaste to clean his headlights and they were impression-ably shiny. This is coming from someone who never, ever notices vehicles and treats hers like a dumpster. Before fixing your headlights, I urge you to please use it on your teeth. So many men have gotten the importance of teeth over car backwards.
  6. If you put your batteries in the freezer, it can double their life span. My sister told me this. I can only guess how she knows.
  7. Mix Nutella and milk, then microwave. Best hot chocolate EVER. Not that I’m an expert but in my experience it is. Feel free to send me samples of better ones if you want to argue about it.
  8. Adding vodka to your shampoo can strengthen split-ins and stop dandruff. Drinking vodka can make you shave your hair, and by default your dandruff, off. Trimming your hair can help split ends and using Head N Shoulders can also reduce dandruff.

I hope you put these tips to use immediately as I did. You can mix and match them or just check them off one at a time!

Disclaimer: I am not liable if someone tries any of these and gets hurt. People can make the simplest tasks into murderous death traps because they are generally dumb. So do these at your own risk!
Posted in Uncategorized

That Ain’t True – Misconceptions About The South

The North and South of the United States have always been portrayed as having many differences. Both sides are portrayed somewhat inaccurately and exaggerated immensely in the movies which exacerbates the public’s view of either side. I am going to go out on a limb and say the north and the south don’t have as many differences as you would be led to believe. As a Georgia girl (or old lady), I’d like to clear up some of these misconceptions. At least in my case they are misconceptions. I do realize that within the South or the North there are sub-cultures and behaviors that can differ by community and state. So my insight is from my experiences and my viewpoint. And usually I’m wrong on both according to my husband. But still, here goes.

Myth: We are racist.

Unfortunately,  racism is a real issue everywhere in the world but 99.9% of the people I know in the south do not classify as such in my eyes. Being obnoxious – now that’s a different story.

Myth: We say “Bless Your Heart”  in lieu of “F you”:

I’m sure this happens but the people I know aren’t passive aggressive. They are straight shooters who will say f*&k you when needed. If they say, “bless your heart”, they mean it.

Myth: We are all morbidly obese

Hellooo. McDonald’s has fattened up the whole country, not just us. We actually are at an advantage because April through September, it is a sauna outside down here.

Myth: We are dumb hicks

Now this one really gets my goat. I’m southern and a woman so I have several stigmas to overcome. No worries though, I will beat them and I know I am smart. And, unless hick means awesome, I’m not a hick either.

Myth: We hate the NFL

This one is true. College all the way! Go Dawgs!!

Myth: It never gets cold

Cold is as cold does. If nipples pass the universal litmus test, who are we to argue?

Myth: We eat roadkill

This is just ridiculous. Unless Kroger is selling roadkill disguised as prime grain-fed beef, then the answer is NO. I personally love venison but only if killed humanely by a human. It’s debatable on whether I would try roadkill or cream of wheat first.

Myth: We all have guns

Well, not every single one of us but guns are very important to us. But not as important as the right to have them. The second amendment is taken very, very seriously down here.

Myth: We worship the Confederate flag

No, but this is a touchy subject to many down here just like politics and religion. Many are ashamed of the actions held behind the flag’s history but many also claim that, bad or not, it is a part of history and to forget is to allow it to happen again in a different form.

Myth: We only love country music

Although, Luke Bryan does look damn good in his tight jeans, he is no DMB or John Prine. We all have very diverse tastes down here. My mother actually doesn’t like ANY music which is so confusing to me.

The point is, just like our Northern brothers and sisters, we are all individuals here and have our own individual tastes. Some of which have been influenced by our southern culture along with everyone and everything that has touched our lives. Personally, I believe I am the sum of my experiences. I am always evolving.