Posted in Humor

Lookout Buzzfeed – I’m Taking Over

Photo Made By Kylie Craft

If I Was Quiz Developer At BuzzFeed

We have all done those quizzes on buzzfeed. Don’t even lie about it. The ones where you take a three or four question quiz to find out what kind of color you are or what number you are or who you are in animal form. For those of you that are closet quiz takers, I am not here to out you or embarrass you. This is way more common than you think it is. I am here because I deserve to be in charge of those quizzes. I have a brain full of untapped quiz material that will actually bring meaning to your life.

The last BuzzFeed quiz I took told me that I was a jaguar on the outside and a fluffy little kitten sitting in a cup on the inside. While this may be extremely accurate, that was not the information I was looking to find out. But I did still update my resume to include that fact along with the results showing that I am the color red, a pineapple pizza and was Al Capone in a former life. There is absolutely no way that BuzzFeed could say no to my proposition to run their whole business but primarily the quiz department after seeing these items.

Last week, I submitted my seriously impressive resume with some sample quizzes to BuzzFeed and it’s only a matter of time before I am famous and extremely, extremely rich. I picked a few to share with you out of the 700 that I sent.

  1. Take this quiz to find out if you are as dumb as your parents say you are!
  2. Take this quiz to find out why your husband hates you!
  3. What STD are you? The answer is always Herpes.
  4. Are You Gold digger or Just a hoe?
  5. Which Jonas brother do you smell like?
  6. Take this quiz to find out if you like carrots.
  7. Find if your personality is more suited for dragon fighting or yoga championships!
  8. Find out which reptile your ex is.
  9. Answer only three questions to find out the rest of your entire life in essay format.

I’m the brains of the operation so obviously the prolific ideas are my strong point. I will rely on BuzzFeed to provide the super complicated algorithms to get the correct answers to generate.

I hope you all look out for me because soon I’m going to be famous. And not just because I’m going to rule Buzzfeed. But also because I took a quiz that said I was going to be famous and married to Will Ferrell within five years. I have not told my husband yet.

Posted in Humor

The Day My Last F&$k Flew Away

We have all seen them before. People that just don’t care what other people think and don’t care what other people do. We will make fun of them but deep down be jealous of the dangerous and free way they live their lives. They sure do look happy though, we would think to ourselves. They better enjoy it now because they’ll be burning in hell soon for having all that fun. What a ridiculous notion!

I know we are a product of our environment but how can people really believe some of the things they believe. So you’re telling me that you really believe that your kind and loving God is going to send a baby straight to hell because they were not baptized? Or someone else straight to hell for loving the same sex or somebody other than their spouse? But yet you want to shout, “We are all sinners!” at every breath. The hypocrisy is too much for me sometimes. If people. would just sit down and think about things logically instead of blindly following what they’re told to believe in, the world would be a totally different place. And no, I don’t like granola and I’m not a hippie but I love the people that are and I love everyone else too because if you do what you want to do and you’re truly happy with it , then do it . But I have a hard time believing that a lot of people I know are really happy deep down. They squish their instinct or natural behaviors down to follow societies norms. I will lose friends over this post. I don’t care.

I used to be a lot different than I am now but now I am very close to being one of those IDGAF people. As of now, the only things I really care about anymore are my family, children and animals. The opinions of strangers are not on the list anymore.

It is hard to worry about impressing people after you experience a traumatic death. You realize suddenly how short life is. Do you want to spend it meeting societies expectations? Or living by a code that some guy wrote 1200 years ago? Or do you want to follow your natural instinct and do what you want to do as long as you are hurting no one else? That is where I am at now in my life. Going forward, I will be living my life according to how I see fit. My husband and I are on the same page so that won’t be a problem. As for the rest of the people who worry about what kind of purse they have instead of what kind of person they are, it is time to let them go.

I don’t have the time in my life left to waste on non-precious people and non-precious moments.

I didn’t literally see my last f$&k fly away but I felt it.

Posted in Humor

Happy Father’s Day

My children were raised by me alone. But I have a lot of friends who are a great father’s and are sometimes single fathers. This day as well as Mother’s Day is to celebrate all the people who stepped up our children on a daily basis. This is not a job you can call in sick for. End it has been a thankless job for me until now. My daughter who just turned 21 and is about to graduate as an RN took me to Savannah for the weekend to celebrate ME on Father’s Day!

I cannot begin to tell you how good this made me feel. Finally the thankless job is paid off and she realizes everything that I have done for her. My heart is swelling and this is all I need for many, many years.

Posted in Humor

Today I Hit Myself

You read that right. Today I actually ran myself over with my own car. I don’t know why I’m not in barest blog about this because I should be. I got up this morning and went to get in my car and after I cranked it up I realize I could not find my lighter. So I hopped right on out of the car to go look for it except I didn’t put the car in park and it started going in reverse immediately. I frantically held onto the door as it went into the street and finally backed into my neighbors yard coming to a stop against a tree. In the Meantime I ammeantimeI don’t know why I’m not in barest blog about this because I should be. I got up this morning and went to get in my car and after I cranked it up I realize I could not find my lighter. So I hopped right on out of the car to go look for it except I didn’t put the car in park and it started going in reverse immediately. I frantically held onto the door as it went into the street and finally backed into my neighbors yard coming to a stop against a tree. In the meantime, I am yelling, “Oh God” over and over and over again as I am dragged along holding onto my door. Obviously, I am glad to be alive and safe. I suffered a rolled ankle and a couple of cuts and bruises. But my dignity is absolutely shattered! I know there’s got to be a video of this floating around my neighborhood right now. I hope this blog made you feel better about your own day!

Posted in Humor

Is This Hell or Puberty? Parenting Teenagers

I remember when I had young, precious children who would rush to see me as soon as I walked in the door every afternoon from work. They told me they loved me all the time and gave me hugs and kisses and unlimited compliments. Those days are over for me. At least until I have grandchildren.

I have reached the long dreaded stage in my life where I have two teenagers and a “tween” at home (and one 21 year old that has flown the nest). That means that after a long, hard day at work, I get to come home to angst-filled glares, attitudes and eye-rolls. Don’t send help! I know it sounds terrifying but I have adjusted by acclimating to them and their lifestyle and they couldn’t be more horrified. I thought I’d share some of my best teen parenting tips. And, according to my kids, these tips are coming to you straight from the biggest loser on the planet Earth. You’re welcome, in advance. Please note: I am not actually a doctor or a parenting expert. I also don’t work in the mental health field or with children outside of my own.

Stay Woke

In today’s generation, being “woke” means being aware of surroundings and current situations. In other words, being aware is now called being woke or staying woke (if you want to stay aware). So, if my kids are running late or don’t want to get out of the bed, I throw ice water on them and yell, “Stay WOKE!” This has proven effective time and time again when they don’t want to get up in the mornings. You can also eat all the dinner when they don’t come to the table on time and when they complain, yell “Stay WOKE!” It really can be useful in a thousand different ways. If they’re on the phone walk past and knock it out of their hand and yell it. Yell it at the grocery store. Yell at the dentist while they’re getting their teeth cleaned. The possibilities are endless.

Lit

Please be advised that, effective immediately, things are no longer described as cool. Cool is now only a temperature and not an adjective. Nothing is cool anymore. Me being number one on that list according to the spawns that live in my house. Things that were formerly called cool or awesome are now described as fye or lit. I like to use “That’s lit, Fam” or “Stay fye!” as a response to as much as I can when my kids deem me important enough to speak too. Every now and then, I’ll throw in a “that’s crazy, bru” to mix things up a bit. Please don’t speak like this to adults though. Most of them aren’t FYE or LIT enough to use this horrible vernacular. I will know what you’re talking about though. I’m fluent. Please Paypal me if you need lessons.

Flossing

I remember when flossing was considered part of the dental hygiene process. Now it’s a teen dance craze. Much like the Roger Rabbit, Soldier Boy or Running Man dances back in previous eras, this one is just as ridiculous. If you don’t know how to do it or even what it is, drop all hobbies and chores and go straight to YouTube to learn and practice. This is a current tween movement and you can immediately up your “cool” points if you can do this dance. Especially when they have friends over at the house or while at a parent teacher conference.

Dab Your Tears Away

This one absolutely infuriates my thirteen year old son. Upon entering and exiting a room, do the “dab” and say “DAB” while you do it. Apparently, it is null and void if you don’t tell people what you’re doing when you do it. I think this is because they might think you’re just stretching or reaching for something or maybe even flexing if you don’t tell them. If you don’t know what the Dab is, YouTube it but, make note, it is not important to do this correctly or with proper form. In fact, the worse you are at it, the madder the kids get (which makes it all the more fun).

The Holy Grail Of Embarrassment

I have found that the number one way to absolutely mortify your children is to do a TikTok video and post it. I did one of my face as a sunshine and I was rapping a song that was mainly only the lyrics “pew, pew, pew”. If you don’t know what TikTok is, it is a newer social media format where you lip sync and post videos to the internet for people to comment on and like. I personally am not a huge fan but it can be kind of funny. However, this stunt turned out so badly for me that I no longer have the app. There is a line you don’t cross with even teenagers. But it’s still in my arsenal as a threat. And I’m not afraid to use it.

That brings me to the end of Lesson one. There are only four thousand more to go. In the meantime, please e-mail me but only if you don’t want advice. I have no idea what I’m doing.

Posted in Humor

The Gift From Heaven

I’m writing this blog for me. I need to get this out. And maybe, I’ll be able to totally move forward without one foot stuck in the past. I will go back to writing the ridiculous content I normally write.

A year ago in August, we lost the backbone of our family. Michelle was more than just my sister-in-law. She was my best friend and the kindest person I had ever had the pleasure of knowing. She married my brother when I was only seven years old so I don’t even remember my life without her in it. Like most family members, I didn’t appreciate her enough.

She would always offer advice and was quick to thump the hellfire out of any of our kids if they misbehaved. We always joked (but really meant it) that she was our mother’s favorite child.

She was brilliant, led a charmed life and was everything we all wanted to be. But you couldn’t fault her for that because she made better decisions than the rest of us did, especially me. She had her eye on her goals from day one not from day 35,653 like me. My biological sister (and other best friend) and I always dreamed of someone loving us the way my brother loved her. It was complete, absolute and unconditional. Her illness and subsequent death was tragic but I feel like someone up above knew it was coming and threw a few blessings at us to help us deal with the blow.

For the first time in our lives, my sisters and I took a cruise together (our only sisters only trip) in April of 2019 and went to the Bahamas. We had the kind of stupid fun only sisters can while drinking (playing pranks, having delusions due to Ambien… you know… the normal stuff). I don’t know how this trip came about but we talked about it briefly and then suddenly we were boarding the ship. I have never had so much fun in my entire life. We noticed by the end of the trip that Michelle was looking and acting a little run down. She napped and that was very unusual for her. She had always been the healthiest one of us which I think is one reason it hit us so hard. We never in a million years saw this coming for her.

After the cruise, we all went back to our lives. My sister and I live in the same town with our mother and Michelle lived with my brother. During the week they lived in a town outside of Atlanta and, on the weekends, they lived at their lake house in South Carolina. We went back to our routines and heard through the grapevine (my mom) that Michelle had a cold that wouldn’t go away. She was scheduled to come up the next weekend so we could all have a get together. This was not unusual as she came up on a near constant basis to help us with our parents. And by help us, I mean do most of it because my sister and I in Augusta both worked full time and could hardly ever get any time off. But nothing could have prepared us for that visit.

As you can probably guess, she told us she had terminal lung cancer. We all cried together and started our own research and advice sharing. I practically shoved home remedy articles down her t throat. We all took turns going to her house to sit with her when she could no longer walk. She died less than five months from her diagnosis after a terrible ,but blessedly short, battle.

It was a heartbreaking loss for all of us. I got married months later and had a framed picture of us three girls on the cruise sitting in a seat in her honor. I wanted to feel like she was there in spirit. She told me multiple times that I had made a good choice in my husband and she was right (if only I had listened to her the first two times).

Her daughter, my niece, turned up pregnant soon after her death and I can’t help but feel her final gift to us was that precious baby girl. Her name is Piper Michelle. She means more to us than anyone could ever imagine. She is so very loved.

This picture below I took on my honeymoon when I got out of the truck. I can’t help but feel her presence everywhere I go . Like everyone else in the world that has grieved a loved one, I would like something written in stone to tell me she’s ok but this will have to be enough. For now.

Life has become so tragically short to me but I will no longer not do anything because of fear holding me back. Because what do I have to lose really? She would want that for all of us.