Posted in Humor

Lady, Wash Your Face!

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I don’t know why I was so surprised, but after hearing all the praise surrounding the latest bestselling book from a well-known internet and inspiration guru, I expected to learn a few new tricks for dealing with my life.

I paid sixteen dollars and some change to learn absolutely nothing. Here’s a quick sarcastic summary of the book in question so you don’t have to spend any money. I didn’t learn anything that is not common sense.

Don’t apologize for being you. Don’t apologize for not being perfect. Don’t apologize when you mess up, it’s a sign of weakness. Just don’t apologize.

She has amazing sex because she stopped caring about her body’s flaws. She has four kids and has the most amazing sex life of anyone on the planet.

If you think you are not attractive, just tell yourself that you are. Then BOOM! You are attractive to yourself again. Also, force yourself to do the 30 day straight sex challenge. Just do it. She said so.

You can’t control the chaos of family so just learn to love it. Life is crazy and no one can control it. In other words, give up trying to clean. You can try again when they are eighteen.

Dirty pans rest on top of gas stove.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Washing your face will solve all of or most of your problems. Washing your face and brushing your teeth will cure any disease that you might have.

Said author admittedly had a vanilla crew, aka all caucasian friends, so she ventured out of her comfort zone, made new culturally diverse friends, and recommends everyone does the same. Note: see the above title that all of this should be common sense.

Several generic stories about how not apologizing and washing her face made her life so much better. Also, her son said something mortifying to an authority figure and she didn’t literally die because of it.

You literally can wear whatever you want anytime. It’s all about how you feel in it. Do you, girl.

Be fabulous all the time. Be fabulous every day. Wear a shirt that says fabulous on it. Get it, girl! But never forget, you can be fabulous in sweat pants wow while apologizing. And never, ever weigh yourself.

Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself what an amazing basic girl you are! Then, put your Uggs on and go get a pumpkin spice latte!

Stop lying to and breaking promises to yourself. When you make yourself a promise, keep it so you don’t get mad at yourself. There is nothing worse than when you are giving yourself the silent treatment.

If you dare to say no to yourself, refuse to acknowledge it, and argue with yourself. Who are you to deny yourself? What the hell?

There you have it. A complete synopsis of a book that got someone famous. Look who’s laughing now (it’s not me).


Posted in Humor

Date Night – Extreme Edition

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1. Zoo & Brew

This date involves going to the zoo for the semi-annual zoo and brew event they host. I’m sure there is one close enough for most to drive to. Mine is an hour away. You are able to taste and buy different beers all while strolling hand in hand to watch the animals sleep or have their backs turned to you. Extreme Version — dress up like animals and make animal noises at everyone (including the real animals) all night.

2. Boat Ride

Go on a romantic boat ride in the moonlight on your closest body of water with your love. If he craves excitement, I know he will get turned on by you pretending (dressing and talking) to be Crocodile Dundee all night. If you don’t know who that is, just pretend to be Steve Erwin or, better yet, watch the movie and become cultured.

3. Drive In Movie

Travel to your closest drive-in movie spot for a double feature at twilight. You can spend the evening cuddled up in the car, cuddling, and snacking. Or you can walk around and obstruct the views of others until there is a symphony of honking going on if that is up your alley. I know some of you may get your rocks off by causing trouble.

4. Park & Snap

Take a drive to the nearest park that every town has and park the vehicle. Stay inside the car or go sit and on a bench. Start snapchatting all the losers working out or doing weird stuff. This is like people watching, but more fun because you have physical evidence of what you saw to share with the world.

5. Bookstore

Head on down to your local bookstore. Grab a pumpkin spice latte or some other basic coffee drink and look at all the dirty pictures in the books. Another great option is to leave notes in books for future readers. Use your imagination but here are a few ideas: God is watching you, If you find this note Pee Wee has me, I know what you did, etc.

6. Baseball

Baseball is by far my favorite sport with college football coming in a close second. But even if you aren’t a fan of sporting events, grab your honey and go to a local game of some kind. The environment is usually very casual with a lot of beer drinking and hollering. That’s why it’s especially fun to go attired in formal wear and bring a classy element to the party. It confuses everyone around and you will be the talk of the evening!

7. Downtown Art

In my town, downtown is where most of the happening places are at. I don’t get to go there often because my husband complains about the twenty minute drive. His logic is, why go there when Applebees is three blocks away? So, I really get excited to go downtown. I like to take sidewalk chalk and create masterpieces on the sidewalks since downtown is already a plethora of multi-media artwork. My husband enjoys this also. I don’t draw genitalia like my sister does, but whatever floats your boat.

8. Cookies

Stay home and order a movie (or Netflix and chill if that’s better) but before the flick, have a cookie bake-off. Bring your best recipes to the table. Note: If your best recipe includes marijuana, let your partner know ahead of time. It could get ugly if you don’t.

I hope this quick list helps to add some spice to your life. It is hard work maintaining anything in your life (just ask my car), but the benefits far outweigh the trouble.

Posted in Humor

Helping My Children Grieve

Father swinging his children
Jude Beck via Unsplash

The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is to raise four kids while helping two of them deal with the loss of their father. Although we saw it coming, it was still not something they were prepared for mentally. And I was not prepared at all to help them deal with the raw emotions that grief brings. The people I loved most in the world had broken hearts and I couldn’t do anything to fix it this time. I felt helpless and didn’t know what to do.

I looked up ways to deal with it and read all about grief and its stages. I spent hours pouring over articles and requesting the advice of family and friends. At the end of the day, though, I just dealt with it as I went along and I’ve notated what seemed to work for me. Unfortunately, too many children have to grieve before they should.

Memories

Encourage children to talk about their memories and the good times that they had with the person in question. Also encourage them to talk about the bad memories. Encourage them to ask any questions they might have about the death and what led to it.

All memories are worth talking about. Talking and reliving those memories as a way to show them that keeping someone’s memory alive is one way of honoring them.

Emotions

Validate any emotions that they may have whether it be anger, apathy, or sadness. Make sure that they know that there’s no shame in crying. It’s also important to let them know that there’s no one way to grieve and everyone does it differently. As for crying, it is better to let it out than to let it build up. It’s a release that needs to happen and it will happen one way or another.

Let them help

Just like adults, children often feel helpless in the face of so much emotion and grief and don’t know what to do. Seeing so many grown people crying is terrifying for them. If the person that has passed away was an immediate family member, let them be a part of the funeral planning as much as they can be. Or at a minimum, let them do their own memorial that they can bring to the funeral or service such as a memory board or garden memory stone. It makes them feel like they are giving out a final gift and saying goodbye.

Whatever they need

Some will become extra clingy and need more time with you. Others may become distant and withdrawn and need time to themselves in an isolated environment. Neither way is wrong. Encourage whichever way your child or loved one wants to grieve.

Fears

Talk about death and dying and their fears even if they don’t bring it up. Death is scary for anyone but especially terrifying for children. When they lose a parent, or anyone they’re close to, it really brings death close to home.

Your child may become obsessed with death and finding out what happens in the afterlife. Others might not want to talk about it at all but gain a sudden interest in religion.

No matter what your religion or your beliefs are, explain to them how faith helps people deal with death. I think that is the most beautiful thing about religion. It is a light in the darkness and makes it possible for you to have faith in something that you cannot see. To believe without knowing.

Time

As with you and I, time is the best healer and it’s impossible to explain accurately that it will get better as each day goes by.

Just do the best you can each day and encourage them to do the same. Reach out to a professional if you feel at any time that your child is depressed or may need professional help. It’s especially important to teach them that there is no shame in asking for help when you need it.

Posted in Humor

The Peacock is My Spirit Animal

Beautiful Peacock
Designed on Canva

Peacocks do not get enough respect as animals. They are continually overlooked and undervalued when compared to the rest of the animal kingdom. This confuses me because they are beautiful, majestic, and fabulous to a degree unheard of from the rest of the peasants… I mean, animals. I feel myself relating to this undervalued bird more often than I care to admit. So many people identify with lions and tigers and use their image to post on memes as a reflection of who their character is. Sorry, Ronald, but you’re more like a scraggly rooster. Let’s be real here. Brenda, you’re not a lioness, but you are a honey badger.

I, myself, have always related to the Peacock and like to consider it my spirit animal. We have more in common than I would care to admit. My sister would tell you I only relate to it because it has the word cock in its name. That is not true at all. That is only an added benefit. A bitchcock would be a much better title for the peacock, or me, but no one has gotten back to me yet about changing the name yet.

A beautiful peacock with it’s tail feathers sprayed out.
Photo by Vivek Doshi on Unsplash

The bird is attired in an especially ostentatious manner some would consider to be gaudy and I would consider to be amazing! It’s like I always say, “The more glitter and rhinestones, the better!” Or “The higher the hair, the closer to God.” My friend, the peacock, also showboats all around, proud as hell in its fabulous getup. In the 90’s, I also did that, but I was clad in a full denim outfit, formerly known as the Texas tuxedo.

The male peacock, especially, shows off his fabulous and extravagant tail feathers during mating season. He will fluff his butt (tail) out as far as it can go and strut his little heart out. I have done this myself and I’ve also had plenty of men show me up with their outfits. I can also relate to using my fiercest outfit as a ploy to seduce as I dance around the other sex (or just whoever is at Steak and Shake at the moment of my glory).

Few people are able to tell if a peacock is a female or a male unless they are a bird expert. Some may know the facts surrounding the genitalia of birds for other reasons that I am not aware of existing. But, I’m guessing the majority can’t tell. Many of you may not get the old SNL reference, but this bird is much like Pat on the skit show (from a few decades back). Sex is indeterminable. Is it a girl? Is it a boy? I don’t know, but I know it’s beautiful.

She/he is also beautiful, but don’t be fooled, it is feisty and will f$&k you up! I hear you and I understand you, my flashy bird twin with little man syndrome. I too have anger that far outweighs what I’m actually capable of.

We are also connected in the fact that, like me, it also screams when it wants attention. I have been known to talk super loud because I am under the impression people can’t hear the unbelievably witty remarks I’m making, but more often than not, they can and just aren’t impressed. I have been known to screech a few times too.

I could go on and on but I think I’ll just add Bitchcock to my resume. The more attributes the better. You can keep on pretending you’re a jaguar, Dick.

Posted in Humor

Life After Divorce

Lady celebrating
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I have started my life over from the ground up multiple times for multiple reasons, usually because I made a bad decision in regards to who I picked as a partner to share my life with. Each time I picked myself up off the ground, I would say to myself, “Here I go again. I’m back at the bottom with nothing to show for everything I’ve done so far.” But I was wrong.

Starting over again so many times left me stronger, smarter, and only increased my perseverance. It wiped my slate clean in more than one way. It’s easier to clean people out of your life when you’re at the bottom. Because the fake ones in your life tend to disappear then. The trash takes its self out.

You can grow, reform, and reinvent yourself as many times as it takes or as often as you want. There is no rule saying otherwise. You don’t have to settle into society’s expectation or your parents’ expectations. Keep evolving and moving or stay stagnant if that’s what you want. Do whatever makes you happy in this short life you get to lead. I think when you stop growing and changing is when you stop living. Just be glad that it’s not 1899 and you’re not stuck with a jackass for life.

Always be open to trying new things and meeting new people.

I value all of my friends, old and new, but I am still always open to meeting new people that will bring something different to my life. There’s not one person in my life that has not either added value or taught me a lesson.

Trying new things is something I consistently have to work at because I am always ready to fall back on the comfort of my routine. There is not much more attractive to me than my couch, my pajamas, and my glass of wine in hand each night. With that being said, getting out of my comfort zone has always only been good for me. Being complacent and routine driven is what most people center their lives around. The one percent that doesn’t end up going further than they ever thought possible.

Keep moving.

Start at the bottom if you have to but don’t stay there. Use the bottom as a stepping stone to the next level in life. Don’t get stuck working minimum-wage at a job you can barely stand. You will spend most of your life working so make it somewhere worthwhile doing something you enjoy. You won’t ever get back those days or years you lose so be intentional with your decisions. I have to remind myself often that life is about leveling up.

Evaluate

Consistently evaluate and eliminate people, places, or things that don’t bring value, joy, or support into your life. Life is too short to be spending it surrounded by fake friends or back stabbers or “Debbie Downers”. And when you mess up, don’t be afraid to apologize, but then move on. Everybody messes up.

Change Often

Feel free to change your hair, your attitude, your surroundings, and your mantra as much as you want, but please don’t cut your bangs after you’ve been drinking. I wish someone in the medical community would explain why this happens during every woman’s emotional turmoil. It has to be an actual symptom of a mental illness. It is as if an internal instinct pops up telling you that if your bangs get chopped off everything will be all good.

Love Yourself

Always compliment yourself because you are only what you believe you are. If you are self deprecating all the time, you will start to believe these things about yourself. Knowing that, we can assume the opposite is also true. So tell yourself that you are a beautiful person, perfect spouse, and an amazing friend on a daily basis. You can try throwing in a millionaire. That one hasn’t manifested for me yet, but I am consistently trying.

Gratitude

Above all else, practice gratitude. Be thankful for everything in your life that you have and less focused on what you don’t have.


You will not get it right all at once. I find that I keep getting better with every chance I’m given to start anew.

Posted in Humor

Life Lessons To My Sons

Three brothers  hugging and smiling.
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I have been a single parent to my children in one form or another most of my life. Turning my rowdy boys into good men falls squarely on my shoulders. I’m not going to lie. It is extremely overwhelming to have that all riding on me. I’ve been known to screw up a lot. And this is something that I just cannot get wrong.

I am blessed to have a good husband now, but my kids are older and I really could have used him about ten years ago.

How To Treat Women

My main goal in life is to make sure my boys treat the women, or significant other, in their life the way they should. Knowing they saw the way I was treated bothers me and I hope that they don’t resort to those methods when they are frustrated or angry.

And, God forbid, I ever find out if my boys have hit a woman or verbally abused her. My boys are sweet and smart young men so I really don’t think I have anything to worry about. But that’s what all stupid parents say.

How To Be Sensitive

My boys will never be shamed for crying or showing emotion. I want them to know from day one that they are able to process their emotions as they see fit and deal with them in their own manner.

Obviously, I will work hard to ensure that their manner of dealing with life and its ugly side is legal and healthy, but suppressing emotions will not be encouraged. They will be taught that real men are vulnerable.

Housework

They are just now getting used to having a man in the house again with us, but they see him cooking and cleaning as often as I do. He works shorter hours than I do so oftentimes, he does more than I do.

I want them to know that no matter how they choose to live their grown-up lives, they need to be able to handle all or most of the chores themselves. The ladies (or men or whoever) will thank me later because there is nothing sexier than watching a man do housework.

Balance

Having balance in every aspect of your life is a lesson it took me many, many years to learn. I hope especially that they understand the importance of balance in relationships.

Treating women, or whoever they may be with, the right way is hugely important. It’s also important that they know that in a two-person relationship someone always gives more than the other. So, logically, someone else also takes more than the other.

It’s important to set boundaries and not give away too much of your heart or life before it has been earned. I would hate to see them getting stomped all over because then I will be going to jail. And I don’t have the mouth for surviving in jail.

Sexuality

I hope to be able to teach my sons to be secure in their skin no matter if they are straight or homosexual. They will know not to judge anyone based on who they love, the color of their skin, or what their genitalia may be. This life is hard enough without grasping for reasons to hate our fellow man.

At the end of the day, I hope all of my children will know I did the best I could. I showed up every day, even when I didn’t want to or was sick. I know I made mistakes, but I am proud of all four of my children and I know that they know how much I love them. That much I can be sure of.