To all the people out there that know they need to be healthier but they positively hate every aspect of healthy living, I see you. I hear you, too. I am you. I love wine,doughnuts, and couch time. I promised my family recently, after a sudden death in our family, that I would become a healthier, fitter version of myself. I clearly meant one day in the future, but they took it to mean I meant immediately. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I must have been partaking in mimosas and ambivalence that day.
After many lengthy “discussions” (that’s what adults call arguing), I decided to give the health nut lifestyle a try but to do it in my own way. I actually ended up enjoying myself. I am about to break it down for y’all should you want to have some fun and get fit at the same time (or have fun and get lit, whichever works for you).
My husband and I have had a gym membership for over two years, but I have only made it there a couple of times due to finding better things to do. I don’t think my husband has gone much either, but who am I to argue with him about that? Especially since I really don’t care if he goes or not. Going back to the gym was first on my to do list due to the obvious reasons, in addition to the fact that I had been paying for it the last two years.
When I got to the gym, obviously no one knew me, so I tried being a good little woman and hopped on a bike headed for nowhere. After five minutes, I got bored and left. Not before tagging myself at the gym through Facebook though, and splashing my face with water so I’d be glistening with “sweat”. I also posted a glistening update on Instagram. My husband was very impressed. I now go to the gym to tag myself there three times a week and my hubby swears I have never looked better! Make sure all the gym rats know you are not there to pick up a man in a muscle shirt.
It is so important to always stay hydrated, especially when working out. If you believe that water is a disgusting, poor man’s version of vodka (like I do), start with one cup of water a day. You can build your tolerance up, much like wine, to the recommended levels of nine hundred glasses per day. Be prepared to urinate often. I mean, a lot.
It is so, so important, according to Dr. Phil, that one eats a diet full of fruits and vegetables. I guess this helps you maintain the healthy living lifestyle easier? Or you poop more and by default seem to be skinnier? I don’t know, don’t question me or Dr. Phil, just do it.
When you do your weekly shopping for health nut items, make sure to buy all the available granola in the store. Walk outside to the nearest dumpster and throw it all in the damn dumpster! We all have a moral obligation to reduce human suffering.
Set up a table outside the gym or grocery store and let everyone know that a glass of sangria IS considered a fruit and should be legally required to be part of your daily intake. Don’t forget to put a sign on the table that says, “THE MORE YOU KNOW” in bold. Have other facts handy for them to peruse also. Such as pamphlets on the danger of almond milk and drinking too many energy drinks will cause your name to spontaneously change to Kyle.
According to the statistics I just made up, 90% of all accidents are caused from stress. Stress can, and will, affect every single part of your body. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure stress has caused my breasts to start the downward sag. Taking stress relieving matters into your own hands is an absolute must. Some people like to meditate (sleep sitting up), others like to play golf, and normal people use wine and puppies.
Another great idea for stress reduction, which I remembered after re-reading my diary from seventh grade, is to pack your shit and move to an island immediately. Make double or even triple sure that nobody is able to contact you and the media is not accessible.
Level 5 — Extreme Danger
Much like I make up statistics, I also make up different levels of the health and workout addict. Gym goers are a solid level three. But the supreme being of health nuts is the dangerously lethal combination of the Crossfit/Vegan obsessed weirdo. Nobody, and I mean nobody, in the history of the ancient and prehistoric sport Crossfit, has ever met their match against someone who does Crossfit and is also a vegan. That’s right. They are rare, but they do exist.
One of my favorite things to do while I am supposedly “getting fit” is to go to the local vegan restaurant, Soy, and talk really loud. I start by belittling Crossfit and continually increase my volume. By the time I shout, “ Vegan’s suck!” and “Crossfit men have little pecker syndrome”, everyone is mad. That’s okay though, because most of them are lacking nutrients and can’t catch up to you to hit you with their trendy hipster backpacks. Once everyone is riled into full awareness, I take my milkshake flavored with grass and hightail it on out of there and back to my house.
The moral of the story is I love being fit.