Posted in Humor

Weird is the New Black

Pink haired lady holding a candy filled shoe and a cupcake.
Photo by Canva

I will be the first one to admit that I am weird as hell. I prefer to call it being a rare, limited edition. However you fluff it up, I love myself weird. There are enough vanilla people running the streets already! I’m so proud of how weird I am that I am going to break down all the ways that I am excessively weird. I hope somewhere a closet weirdo will read this and know they are not alone. Some of these items used to bother me but, the older I’ve gotten, the less f%^ks I have had to give.

I am not aware of how statistics work, but I can make things up just as easily as the next gal, so I’m going to state the fact that 10% of people are addicted to cocaine. I am in the 2% that are addicted to succulents. (Do you see what I did there? You can literally make up any statistics you want). Succulents are hard to kill, cacti like plants. I have a lot of them and continue to accrue them as often, or more often, as I kill them. I also talk to them. At one point, I tried to teach them Spanish. Actually, I was just practicing my skills. Not that they offered any insight.

I also have odd habits in regards to my clothing. I don’t like buying items I won’t use or get my money’s worth out of. Being extremely poor for a few years definitely helped me with money management. So, with that being said, I wear my clothes in the order that they are hung up in my closet. I start at the front. If a said item happens to be out of season (long sleeves in summer, etc.), I will hang in in the back and start the rotation again. I like to feel like I’m getting my money’s worth out of my clothing because I may or may not spend excessively in this category.

I absolutely hate the voice on my map app that I use to drive everywhere but I absolutely cannot live without it. I hate her/him/it so much that, when it tells me to take a left, I respond every time with, “No, YOU turn left! You piece of$&@?!’b ,?$& !” Or something to that effect.

I despise it when people name their dogs with a human name. I am not yelling, “Edward! Come here!” or “Jason, put that ball down!” It’s not right and I strongly feel that it should be made illegal immediately. Two good examples of perfect dog names are my dogs. The youngest mutt has the distinguished name of Baxter VonFerrell, III. My older gentleman pup is named Snoopy Donkey McDougal. We only yell out the middle name if they are in big trouble, which is the standard we all go by throughout the world, I believe.

Lastly, I would like to confess to you about my obsession with lists. I have hundreds of them on every subject you could ever imagine. I don’t remember exactly when I became a listoholic but it was within the last ten years or so. I plan to publish an article soon naming twenty or so of my favorite lists. I know I can’t be the only list obsessed person who is also, at the same time, a hugely disorganized wreck of a person. I consider all of my lists to be sacred. Reading, skimming, or even glancing at one could possibly earn you a throat punch.

So, yes, I am weird. I have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy, I am obsessed with Will Ferrell, and I give out lectures like Oprah hands out everything. I am not only ok with my weirdness, but I love it. I used to try and imitate my friends and hide my weirdness by pretending to like golf and sweater vests. I got tired very quickly and stopped. They kept loving me anyway! I also gained new friends. It turned out, a lot more people accepted my personality than not. I did have a few look down at me but I think they were just hating me because I was free and they weren’t. It’s hard to feel bad for someone that is in the prison that they made for themselves.

My previous husband (current one is awesome) tried to stifle me. He succeeded for a while. He slowly robbed me of my friends and dulled my personality with verbal abuse and constant criticism. He tried to take me and turn me into a dull shell of a person. He didn’t succeed. I won then and I keep on winning.

Here is a link to another one of my life-altering, hard-hitting articles. Also, feel free to send an e-mail to kylie@kyliesells.com and I will add you to my random, unpredictable newsletters that will update you on my life and make you feel a whole lot better about yours!

Author:

Real Estate Agent, Landlord, Micro-Investor and Finance Specialist

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