Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, writing

6 Tools For Content Creation

Made Using Canva – I don’t know how to use a typewriter.

Is it inspiration or plagiarism?

As much as I hate the articles that everyone writes on the same topic, I feel like no one is using the tools that I use to increase creativity and productivity. So, I have come to save the day. I’m gifting you with a list of the tools I use to be creative and productive.

White Wine

The tipsier I am, the more enjoyable I am. To others and to myself. Having a slight buzz also makes me really good at pool/billiards. That is in addition to evolving into a content ideas machine. If it makes sense to me, then it’s done it’s job. Also, I am a lot nicer after a glass or two at the end of a long day. Or 10:30 am, if that day is particularly stressful.

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Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash

Parenthood

Every story I have that nobody believes is a result of my children. The impossible can and will happen as a result of their malarkey. My constant inability to know what the hell to do is a never-ending abyss of article topics.

Celexa

Don’t judge me. How do you think I have parented all these kids by myself? Or mostly by myself, until I got remarried recently.

Celexa is amazing in my opinion. I’m pretty sure I would not be who I am today without it. Alive, that is.

Music

Music is life and gets me all up in my feels. I use these emotions and images that they invoke to stimulate ideas. For example, when I listen to that Adam Levine song, I imagine what my life would be like now if I had met him when I was 20. Then, suddenly an article on why men should have tattoos forms in my mind.

Social Media

I lurk and I hide behind my phone screen while scrolling the comments on social media. I have Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. Facebook is where I really get a good view of drama. Twitter provides me with comic relief and surprise at the sheer venom of strangers towards one another. They all provide me with content.

Tenants

I am a property manager of many rental houses in every socio-economic class in my city. This provides me with a plethora of stories, excess stress, sometimes bruises, and dumba** stunts to use in my content.

For instance, my tenants inspired this article.

https://link.medium.com/JHLkfs2Lv9

I hope that my tools will prove to be invaluable to you. But, if they aren’t, please don’t leave rude comments like my first experience with a troll this week. She left a rude comment and then immediately blocked me so I couldn’t respond. She obviously has issues.


Another article for your reading:

https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/aging-gracefully-ed738158cc25


Posted in Humor, Life, satire, tips

The Brazilian Bikini Wax That Went Horribly Wrong

Made with Canva – Most Assuredly NOT my legs

My lady bits eerily resembled a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. It was definitely not what I was envisioning when I made the appointment at a local spa to have a full Brazilian bikini wax done.

I was young and newly married. Our oldest daughter was but three or four years old. Our relationship had taken a backseat to my complete and total addiction to my daughter. I felt like an amazing mother, but not a sexual being. I laugh now, because I was no older than twenty-five back then. They aren’t lying when they say youth is wasted on the young. I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re right.

So, I was feeling unattractive with my flat stomach and beautiful skin. I can tell you that 40-year-old me really hates that bitch. Anyway, I made an appointment to go get a Brazilian wax. I thought maybe if I was as smooth as a glass ball, I would stimulate some activity in the bedroom or some desire anyway.

I made an appointment with a local salon that was locally renowned for its excellence which was also reflected in the prices.

I showed up for my appointment appropriately dressed, groomed, and medicated as per my phone instructions. Please note what I’m saying here. I did what I was supposed to do.

My waxing specialist exited. She looked to be no more than 16, but said she was 19. That did not inspire me with confidence in her experience level. But being raised with manners in the south, I overlooked the lack of experience and decided to have faith in her abilities. The first lesson I learned was to always listen to that little warning bell in my head.

In my birthday suit basically, I was maneuvered into the most awkward positions available to the imagination. All the while trying to maintain small talk while someone ripped the hair off of my privates. With wax that was not hot enough. I mentioned a few times that the wax did not seem to be warm, but she seemed to be unconcerned.

When I tell you that I was in agony, I am not exaggerating. This little sadistic heifer used cold wax on my taint. I would’ve stood most of it, but when she got to the little man in the boat, aka my clitoris, I jumped up off the table like my life was at stake.

Still clinging to my manners, I said, “You’ve done a great job, but I think I’m good now. We will just leave that there.”

I high tailed it out of there and went home to sit on a bag of ice. Three days later, my vagina still looked like a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. I never had this procedure done again. I was very proud of myself for not yelling out Kelly Clarkson’s name during the painful parts.

Moral of the story is, don’t do a Brazilian. Or if you do, just do it yourself. With a hedge trimmer. Or a flamethrower.


Posted in Life, parenting, Teenager

My Daughter Came Out As Gay At Ten Years Old

In Honor Of My Daughter and Her Courage

It came out of nowhere for me. My daughter had her little, neighborhood friend come over and they asked me to enter her room. She took me into the corner and she was shaking. After a moment she said, “Would you hate me if I liked girls?” And, just like that, my daughter had come out as gay.

Of course I was shocked. At 10, the only thing I liked was dogs and books. Of course, I also hadn’t started my period yet, so I didn’t have the hormones flowing through me that she does. I responded, “There is nothing on the planet that would ever make me hate you. And loving someone is never bad.” I then proceeded to name all the people that I’m friends with that are gay. And then I moved onto athletes and the famous. Then I moved on to people I just speculated might be. Just kidding, I didn’t do that last one.

Photo via Unsplash

I reassured her that no matter what she decided to do regarding her love life, her family will always support her. Beyond that, I really didn’t know what to do. For the millionth time in my career as a parent, I had no idea on the proper way to respond, so I did what I always do. I just continued to wing it as I went.

Tears fell down her cheeks with relief at my response. And she did it did it again and again with her brothers’ support and her sister’s support. One by one, she made the decision to call every family member and everyone was supportive.

So I called upon my best friends mother, who had been like a mother to me my whole life. She actually has been a best friend to me on several occasions and there’s no one I can honestly say I respect more. I remember introducing her to my own husband while we were dating, anxiously awaiting her feedback. She is a lesbian and I knew she would be glad to offer any insight that I could not. And I’ve never been one to feel ashamed if I need to outsource, especially when I’m at a loss. I was right. Even though she lives two hours away, she was in town the next day to handle any questions I couldn’t answer.

Photo Via Unsplash

She spoke with my newly gay daughter and also encouraged her to never be ashamed of what she’s feeling and never to hold back from her family. She reaffirmed that we would all support her no matter what she decided. She also reaffirmed that puberty was a confusing time in someone’s life and that if she changed her mind, then that was fine too.

My daughter vigorously assured me that, although she was not interested in anyone romantically, she knew who she was already. So I told her that I would be leading the gay parade as grand marshal since I am her mother and biggest fan.

No matter what her sexual orientation, people always find a reason to be mean. But as long as I’m alive they’ll have to go through me first. I will continue to look for ways to support her. She will not, as long as I’m alive, think she is any less than anyone else. Love is a beautiful thing. Why it matters to others so much is beyond me.




Posted in Life

The Great Loves Of Our Lifetime

The  Loves Of A Lifetime
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Some people leave your life just as suddenly as they came and leave behind a person that is forever changed from having known them just for a little while. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe that we are able to fall in love over and over again. There is not just one person out there for us. This fated soul mate does exist, but it is found within many not just one.

My mother told me that it is common to have three great loves, but I’ve seen first hand that some people have twenty or more. I’ve seen profile pictures changed more than underwear for certain people. These people go straight from the nice to meet you stage to the stage five clinger in one point two seconds.

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Photo by Nick Fewings Via Unsplash

I, myself, have loved a thousand souls in a million ways. From friends, family, and animals to strangers than have helped me unexpectedly, all of these encounters made me who I am today.

I will never forget the man who stopped and fixed my flat tire for me on the interstate while everyone else just drove past. The person I never met that donated the marrow, which saved my stepfather from death, is forever a shadowy but real person in my heart.

Some will remain a memory that comes back to haunt me forever. Being stuck in the past in not a good route to take. I try to be thankful for my experiences without ignoring my present moment to live in my past. I enjoy thinking back on my past, but I don’t want to live there.

Some people you will love quietly and from a distance for many years. Others you’ll love out loud. Some will never be returned or acknowledged.

Men in particular have a hard time letting go of the past. But while in a relationship they will do everything except appreciate the one in front of them. Once they’re gone, they will spend years regretting the loss. Women are the opposite. When they are in love, they will do any and everything for somebody. Once they have exhausted all efforts and leave, they are done and there will be no looking back.

Love the one you’re with. They, alone, deserve it. Let the others stay dormant where they lay.



Posted in Humor, Life

My Journey To Cure Premature Laughter

Premature laughter is no laughing matter
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There are literally millions of people in the world that think they are funny when they are not. They are enabled by the pity laugh. There are also thousands of people who are kind of funny in a weird way. Then there are thirty-six of us who are really funny. We have super-advanced, almost supernaturally advanced if you will, senses of humor and we can detect sarcasm up to 18 miles away by scent alone. It is an extremely elite club that I am proud to be not only a member of but also the president and founder of.

The least funny person of our elite members-only group is a gal named Brenda. We have an almost imperceptible, but really visible, rivalry with each other. I think she’s really jealous of the fact that not only am I funny, but I’m not really fucking dumb either. She keeps on saying that I have an issue with her Birkenstocks and I don’t. I do not give a shit what kind of shoes she wears or who she sleeps with at night. At the end of the day, it really boils down to the fact that she is a level two funny and a level nine passive-aggressive. Her afflictions are numerous and her laugh is atrocious. But, beyond that, she’s a great person.

I, myself, take pride in the fact that I am a level 10 funny and also level 10.5 aggressive. No, I didn’t spell that twice. I’m so aggressive, they gave me an extra half-point above the limit. To put it in a perspective that you peasants can understand, it would be kind of like having an A-type personality but much harder than that.

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone either fake laughs or laughs earlier than your punch line. They are placating you. Or they’re trying to hide the fact that they are one of the 10% of the population born with no sense of humor. Most of those people all live in Ohio by the way. Much like chimpanzees can mimic humans, those born without a sense of humor learn to mimic those that do. This is so they aren’t killed off since they are technically a weaker species, being born without humor. They wouldn’t know funny if it came up and hit them in the face.

Like all great comedic geniuses, I would rather hear the sweet, sweet sound of silence than the grating guffaw of a fake laugh.

So you might not be in the majority, who KNOWS this affliction is worse than premature ejaculation, but I am.

Don’t laugh at a joke if you do not find it funny. You are just instigating more bad jokes. Isn’t the world bad enough as it is?


Posted in Life

Money Taboos We Should Break

Money Taboos We Should Break
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Stop doing stupid things to sabotage your finances.

I can’t put it any more clearly. We can start becoming less uninformed, aka dumb, by breaking some of the taboos that surround the topic of money and finance.

Talk

It has been, in the past, considered taboo to talk about money.

We need to correct this now. The more we talk about money, and what does or does not work for us, the better for everybody.

And I, for one, would’ve appreciated people talking about money in high school. It would’ve been nice to learn about budgeting, saving, and earning instead of the Pythagorean theorem. I wonder how many bankruptcies could’ve been avoided if this had been implemented.

Cost

It has been considered in poor taste or vulgar to ask someone how much they paid for something.

I think that’s ridiculous because how are we supposed to know what a good deal is or if we’re getting ripped off if we don’t know what the normal baseline price is? So, when he asks, tell Tom how much that new lawnmower cost. What does it really matter? If they come asking you for money, just say no.

With this being said, I do not agree with telling people your salary or income information. That is nobody’s business but your own. Yes, I can make up my own rules. America is a democracy, but my house is a dictatorship run by me. Just ask my kids.

Marriage

Okay, ladies and men, please pay attention here. Luckily for us, it is no longer 1952 or even 1989. You don’t have to ask your husband to open a checking account, credit card, or for his input on any financial decision.

And, men, you don’t have to tell your wife about every little thing you buy nor do you have to hand your paycheck over.

I’m going to get in trouble for this comment, but all marriages work differently. You are not required to share financial accounts just because you are married. You are still entitled to your own independence and your own wealth.

My husband and I choose to share expenses, but stay out of each other’s personal accounts. It works for us. It doesn’t mean it would work for everybody. I’m well aware that marriage is an extremely complicated situation and needs to be personally built around each situation.


I cannot go back and yell at the teachers from 1993 to 1997 about not teaching me in high school what I should’ve been taught, but I can break the cycle by teaching my children about finances.

If we fix this now, the next generation will be more prepared to deal with the financial world.