Posted in Career, Humor, Ideas, tips

How To Enjoy Your Job Again

How to Enjoy Your Job Again
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We spend a good majority of our life at our jobs or desks. Even if you have a job and career that you love, it is all too easy to get burned out. When you do, you will find yourself daydreaming about winning the lottery and being a woman or man of leisure when you know that will never happen. You fantasize about quitting and walking out right then regardless of the financial disaster it will cause you.

I’ve been doing some research on how to enjoy your job again because, just like in a relationship, there has to be a way to add the spice back. You don’t need to quit before you have put in any work to fix it.

I like to find joy in every part of my life. I also like to act silly in every part of my life. Have I been banned from three gynecologists? Yes, I have. Has Christian Mingle blocked my IP address? Maybe, but I’ll never tell.

Here are some ideas that I have come up with that will make your job more fun and less stressful.

Latch on to a coworker heedlessly

Find a coworker that you like, or almost like, and latch onto them like they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. If they get annoyed by your constant attention, just tell them that you give everything 100% even brown nosing. Call them on Saturdays and Sundays just so they know that you’re thinking about them.

Photo by Unsplash

Drink at work

This one is not for everybody. If you can’t hold your liquor well or you get angry when drinking, skip this section. I like to bring some vodka to work because, as everyone knows, it doesn’t smell. I wait until at least 1030 am before I pull it outbecause, let’s face it, I’m not a loser. At said time pull out the bottle, turn up the music, and have a little party at your desk. If management tries to object, just say that it’s for a twerking competition held at the local Kwik Mart. You will be representing the company so they have to support your endeavors.

Nominate yourself for a raise

Start by nominating yourself for a raise. When that doesn’t work, go ahead and just give yourself a raise. When it doesn’t show up on your paycheck, go to payroll and tell Janice you’ve had about enough of her shit.

Photo via Unsplash

Have weekly dance offs

Meditation, smeditation. There is nothing more relaxing than having a dance off when your wound up tighter than a man in a spelling bee. Once everyone sees what kind of moves you throw out, you won’t have to earn respect anymore. It will be given freely without justification.

Start rumors

Start rumors about everyone’s sexuality to the point where everyone is confused and no one knows what to believe anymore. When HR tries to get involved, just let them know that love is never a bad thing and ask them why they hate gay people.

Appreciate Yourself

Don’t wait for management, your family, or any supervisor to appreciate you or you may be waiting until your death. Go ahead and give out your own certificates of merit every Friday. Obviously, give yourself the best one. But then spread the love some around the office. Here are a few ideas:

Won’t Shut Up

Microwaves Tuna

Suck Up Of The Week

Completely Incoherent

Most Hours In The Toilet

I hope these tips will help you as much as they have helped me. I’m now collecting unemployment. However, I’ve never been happier and I left with a good time being had by all. At least according to me, they had fun. Full disclosure: I was also escorted from the building.

Remember, you can work to live or live to work.


Posted in Life

Empty Nest Syndrome

Empty Nest Syndrome
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My children will be all raised and gone from my house before I know it. I will be left behind with their memorable words, dirty handprints, and toddler images rooted in my mind. My brain understands this, but my heart does not! My identity will be carried off with them.

These children have been the focal point of my life for the last twenty years. At times, they have been the only thing standing between me and insanity. They have been my anchors when my life was adrift. I poured all of the best parts of me into raising them and I have never been prouder of anything else. They are the best and only achievements that matter to me.

My oldest daughter has flown the coop already. She has not looked back either. Although I miss her terribly, I know she is smart and self-sufficient.

My boys, however, don’t inspire much confidence in self-sufficiency. Even so, my eighteen-year-old son is counting down the days until he can spread his wings. I can’t fault him. I was the same way.

The problem is that I still look at them and see the two toe-headed little toddlers that they once were. The ones that constantly brought mischief, excitement, and exhaustion into my life. The ones that taught me how to be a mother and truly love someone.

However able they may be, it is still excruciating for me to sit by and watch them make mistakes I see coming a mile away. They ignore what I know is a red flag and just assume I am an old lady who doesn’t know what she is talking about. After all, my experiences were from the “olden days” and these are new times. So, I shut my mouth and sit back.

The Plan

I still have two young left to finish mothering so that will keep me in check for the next eight years. But after that, I can already see that I’m going to have a hard time figuring out who I am other than a mother.

I have a career, hobbies, and a husband, but they all take a backseat to motherhood. I have dogs, birds, and a turtle to use my motherly instincts on as well. But I can foresee that it won’t be enough for me.

My plan of action for the inevitable empty nest syndrome is to continue to improve myself and work on finding a passion beyond writing and mothering. I need to strengthen other relationships so I can lean on that love while the other leaves me temporarily.

I also plan to adopt six more dogs, but don’t tell my husband. I did some research on how the “experts” say we should prepare for empty nest syndrome. No one can say that I am not preparing for this upcoming disruption in my life.

The Research

The Mayo Clinic says to prevent being afflicted with empty nest syndrome you must accept the fact your kids are leaving, keep in touch with them when they go, seek support from friends and family, and to stay positive.

The experts at Wikipedia note that you should stay in touch with people, get invested in a new hobby, or rekindle your relationship with your spouse should you be so inclined.

Good Housekeeping, in my opinion, gives the best advice. They say for you to figure out who you are as an individual, make a plan of action to stay in contact with the nest flyers, structure your days to stay busy, and to find new pleasures in life.

In the meantime, I will focus on enjoying the time I have left with them. And since I’m fretting so far in advance, maybe I’ll try to wean myself from my mothering dependency. This whole time they thought they needed me, but I needed them more.

Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, writing

6 Tools For Content Creation

Made Using Canva – I don’t know how to use a typewriter.

Is it inspiration or plagiarism?

As much as I hate the articles that everyone writes on the same topic, I feel like no one is using the tools that I use to increase creativity and productivity. So, I have come to save the day. I’m gifting you with a list of the tools I use to be creative and productive.

White Wine

The tipsier I am, the more enjoyable I am. To others and to myself. Having a slight buzz also makes me really good at pool/billiards. That is in addition to evolving into a content ideas machine. If it makes sense to me, then it’s done it’s job. Also, I am a lot nicer after a glass or two at the end of a long day. Or 10:30 am, if that day is particularly stressful.

Image for post
Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash

Parenthood

Every story I have that nobody believes is a result of my children. The impossible can and will happen as a result of their malarkey. My constant inability to know what the hell to do is a never-ending abyss of article topics.

Celexa

Don’t judge me. How do you think I have parented all these kids by myself? Or mostly by myself, until I got remarried recently.

Celexa is amazing in my opinion. I’m pretty sure I would not be who I am today without it. Alive, that is.

Music

Music is life and gets me all up in my feels. I use these emotions and images that they invoke to stimulate ideas. For example, when I listen to that Adam Levine song, I imagine what my life would be like now if I had met him when I was 20. Then, suddenly an article on why men should have tattoos forms in my mind.

Social Media

I lurk and I hide behind my phone screen while scrolling the comments on social media. I have Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and Facebook. Facebook is where I really get a good view of drama. Twitter provides me with comic relief and surprise at the sheer venom of strangers towards one another. They all provide me with content.

Tenants

I am a property manager of many rental houses in every socio-economic class in my city. This provides me with a plethora of stories, excess stress, sometimes bruises, and dumba** stunts to use in my content.

For instance, my tenants inspired this article.

https://link.medium.com/JHLkfs2Lv9

I hope that my tools will prove to be invaluable to you. But, if they aren’t, please don’t leave rude comments like my first experience with a troll this week. She left a rude comment and then immediately blocked me so I couldn’t respond. She obviously has issues.


Another article for your reading:

https://medium.com/live-your-life-on-purpose/aging-gracefully-ed738158cc25


Posted in Humor, Life, satire, tips

The Brazilian Bikini Wax That Went Horribly Wrong

Made with Canva – Most Assuredly NOT my legs

My lady bits eerily resembled a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. It was definitely not what I was envisioning when I made the appointment at a local spa to have a full Brazilian bikini wax done.

I was young and newly married. Our oldest daughter was but three or four years old. Our relationship had taken a backseat to my complete and total addiction to my daughter. I felt like an amazing mother, but not a sexual being. I laugh now, because I was no older than twenty-five back then. They aren’t lying when they say youth is wasted on the young. I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re right.

So, I was feeling unattractive with my flat stomach and beautiful skin. I can tell you that 40-year-old me really hates that bitch. Anyway, I made an appointment to go get a Brazilian wax. I thought maybe if I was as smooth as a glass ball, I would stimulate some activity in the bedroom or some desire anyway.

I made an appointment with a local salon that was locally renowned for its excellence which was also reflected in the prices.

I showed up for my appointment appropriately dressed, groomed, and medicated as per my phone instructions. Please note what I’m saying here. I did what I was supposed to do.

My waxing specialist exited. She looked to be no more than 16, but said she was 19. That did not inspire me with confidence in her experience level. But being raised with manners in the south, I overlooked the lack of experience and decided to have faith in her abilities. The first lesson I learned was to always listen to that little warning bell in my head.

In my birthday suit basically, I was maneuvered into the most awkward positions available to the imagination. All the while trying to maintain small talk while someone ripped the hair off of my privates. With wax that was not hot enough. I mentioned a few times that the wax did not seem to be warm, but she seemed to be unconcerned.

When I tell you that I was in agony, I am not exaggerating. This little sadistic heifer used cold wax on my taint. I would’ve stood most of it, but when she got to the little man in the boat, aka my clitoris, I jumped up off the table like my life was at stake.

Still clinging to my manners, I said, “You’ve done a great job, but I think I’m good now. We will just leave that there.”

I high tailed it out of there and went home to sit on a bag of ice. Three days later, my vagina still looked like a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. I never had this procedure done again. I was very proud of myself for not yelling out Kelly Clarkson’s name during the painful parts.

Moral of the story is, don’t do a Brazilian. Or if you do, just do it yourself. With a hedge trimmer. Or a flamethrower.


Posted in Life, parenting, Teenager

My Daughter Came Out As Gay At Ten Years Old

In Honor Of My Daughter and Her Courage

It came out of nowhere for me. My daughter had her little, neighborhood friend come over and they asked me to enter her room. She took me into the corner and she was shaking. After a moment she said, “Would you hate me if I liked girls?” And, just like that, my daughter had come out as gay.

Of course I was shocked. At 10, the only thing I liked was dogs and books. Of course, I also hadn’t started my period yet, so I didn’t have the hormones flowing through me that she does. I responded, “There is nothing on the planet that would ever make me hate you. And loving someone is never bad.” I then proceeded to name all the people that I’m friends with that are gay. And then I moved onto athletes and the famous. Then I moved on to people I just speculated might be. Just kidding, I didn’t do that last one.

Photo via Unsplash

I reassured her that no matter what she decided to do regarding her love life, her family will always support her. Beyond that, I really didn’t know what to do. For the millionth time in my career as a parent, I had no idea on the proper way to respond, so I did what I always do. I just continued to wing it as I went.

Tears fell down her cheeks with relief at my response. And she did it did it again and again with her brothers’ support and her sister’s support. One by one, she made the decision to call every family member and everyone was supportive.

So I called upon my best friends mother, who had been like a mother to me my whole life. She actually has been a best friend to me on several occasions and there’s no one I can honestly say I respect more. I remember introducing her to my own husband while we were dating, anxiously awaiting her feedback. She is a lesbian and I knew she would be glad to offer any insight that I could not. And I’ve never been one to feel ashamed if I need to outsource, especially when I’m at a loss. I was right. Even though she lives two hours away, she was in town the next day to handle any questions I couldn’t answer.

Photo Via Unsplash

She spoke with my newly gay daughter and also encouraged her to never be ashamed of what she’s feeling and never to hold back from her family. She reaffirmed that we would all support her no matter what she decided. She also reaffirmed that puberty was a confusing time in someone’s life and that if she changed her mind, then that was fine too.

My daughter vigorously assured me that, although she was not interested in anyone romantically, she knew who she was already. So I told her that I would be leading the gay parade as grand marshal since I am her mother and biggest fan.

No matter what her sexual orientation, people always find a reason to be mean. But as long as I’m alive they’ll have to go through me first. I will continue to look for ways to support her. She will not, as long as I’m alive, think she is any less than anyone else. Love is a beautiful thing. Why it matters to others so much is beyond me.




Posted in Life

The Great Loves Of Our Lifetime

The  Loves Of A Lifetime
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Some people leave your life just as suddenly as they came and leave behind a person that is forever changed from having known them just for a little while. I don’t believe in fate, but I do believe that we are able to fall in love over and over again. There is not just one person out there for us. This fated soul mate does exist, but it is found within many not just one.

My mother told me that it is common to have three great loves, but I’ve seen first hand that some people have twenty or more. I’ve seen profile pictures changed more than underwear for certain people. These people go straight from the nice to meet you stage to the stage five clinger in one point two seconds.

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Photo by Nick Fewings Via Unsplash

I, myself, have loved a thousand souls in a million ways. From friends, family, and animals to strangers than have helped me unexpectedly, all of these encounters made me who I am today.

I will never forget the man who stopped and fixed my flat tire for me on the interstate while everyone else just drove past. The person I never met that donated the marrow, which saved my stepfather from death, is forever a shadowy but real person in my heart.

Some will remain a memory that comes back to haunt me forever. Being stuck in the past in not a good route to take. I try to be thankful for my experiences without ignoring my present moment to live in my past. I enjoy thinking back on my past, but I don’t want to live there.

Some people you will love quietly and from a distance for many years. Others you’ll love out loud. Some will never be returned or acknowledged.

Men in particular have a hard time letting go of the past. But while in a relationship they will do everything except appreciate the one in front of them. Once they’re gone, they will spend years regretting the loss. Women are the opposite. When they are in love, they will do any and everything for somebody. Once they have exhausted all efforts and leave, they are done and there will be no looking back.

Love the one you’re with. They, alone, deserve it. Let the others stay dormant where they lay.