Posted in animals, Humor, Life

What The F**k Is Happening?

Questions I need the answers to

What is happening? Eight Questions Nobody Is Asking

The older I get, the more confused I get. What the f@@k is happening? Is the world going to shit? Or am I old enough now to start to notice what has always been visible to everyone else?

I get confused by the hatred that is generated by adults. I get confused by violence and hate and racism and misogyny. I get confused and angry about animal abuse and elder abuse and child abuse. But, I think these are things we all get confused and angry about. We all should anyways.

This article is about some other things I have been confused about recently. These things probably aren’t what most of you normal people even think about. I just assumed normal people thought about cream of wheat and Jeopardy. And the weather, obviously.

But, if I have pondered about these odd things, I know at least one other person has as well. I can’t be the only one noticing these things. If I’m not though, why is nobody talking about this?

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Juja Han Via Unsplash

Foot fetishes: What in the ever loving f&@k?

What happened during these peoples formative years to make them turn out like this? At what point did they decide a foot was a sexualized object? Beyond that, do they fantasize about marrying a foot? Do they want to date the foot? Or is it just another thing to assault with a penis?

And what part of the foot is it that is sexy? The hammertoes with the toe jam. Or the crusty ass heels. I am just saying that I have seen some nasty feet and I have no desire to ever get sexual with a foot.

Do they want a clean foot? Or do they want one that smells like feet? How does one make love to a foot? No, I don’t want to look and watch a video. I want someone to tell me. I’ll be less traumatized that way.

Where did roly polys go?

When I was a kid they were everywhere, chilling with their pals the earthworms. Why is nobody talking about this? They are both GONE.

Please bring back the roly poly.

My roly poly was the only pet I had for the first 11 years of my life. Besides the pet rock, but I don’t count that anymore.

I think he probably died every day and my mom just got me a new one from out in the yard. Because he was always on the counter only at 4 o’clock until my bedtime.

Did I really not have any pet? Was that the most genius get my kid a pet move in the history of parenting? I don’t wanna know if that was a different Roly Poly every day. Because I loved one roly-poly whose name was Ronald.

And yes, I named him after the greatest leader this country has ever seen. The clown that runs McDonald’s.

Reagan was the greatest President

I really named my Ronald after the greatest president of all time, Ronald Reagan. I don’t normally like to talk about politics, but I am completely flabbergasted that we have elected this person to run our country.

I think we all can agree that it worked out once having a movie star as a president but, after this latest debacle, I think we should make a rule that anybody in the entertainment industry cannot be president.

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Unsplash

What happened to long distance and collect calling?

I miss calling people collect. It would be cool if we were notified when we did something that it would be the last time we would ever do it. I didn’t know the last time I played outside it would be the last time.

I didn’t know the last time my son got in bed to watch a movie with me it would be the last time. I didn’t know when I talked to my father it would be the last time.

I’m gonna need somebody to start giving us some warning.

I definitely would have ran some charges up if I had known the last time I was making a collect call. I would’ve made it count.

Why is it good to keep your enemies closer than your friends?

Wouldn’t you get them confused? I don’t want my friends and my enemies all willy-nilly together. They would just all blend together eventually.

I like to keep my enemies strictly over there with the assholes. By over there I mean in a corner or a ditch. Just kidding. I’m a super nice person.

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Photo by Claudio Swartz via Unsplash

Why would you want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster?

My mom used to say this all the time and I still don’t understand what in the hell it means.

Why would you shit in one hand and see if it filled up faster if you wanted in the other hand? That doesn’t even make any sense.

However, my mama is not the type of mama you can argue with or even ask what something means. All of that is considered backtalk and is punishable by an ass whooping.

So if I asked for something and she didn’t wanna give it to me she would just tell me that saying that made no sense at all.

I vowed I would never do that to my kids. That was the first of many lies I would tell myself.



Calling All Plant Parents

Posted in animals, Humor, Life, life lessons

5 Animals I Would’ve Loved If I Had Met Them

They are extinct so nobody will meet them. Thanks, humans.

Canva

Humans are destructive jackasses. There is there’s not another way to put it. We evolved and then totally destroyed everything we have ever been given. We took the beautiful and turned it into the extinct. We destroy everything we touch.

We ruin everything. For example, why make a Grease 2? You don’t always have to piggyback on the success of something. Don’t get me started on the Fast and The Furious serious.

We have ruined more than landscapes, and movies. I would like to play homage to some of the extinct species that we caused or partly caused to go away forever.

The Ibis

The Reunion Ibis bird was extinct by the early 18th century due to human hunting and predatory animals being introduced to the area along with other animals that would compete for food in the Ibis’ habitat. Similar to the dodo bird. It probably hosted huge family reunions every summer across the country and they had matching shirts. Rest in peace, young reunion bird.

A duck

The Labrador Duck — extinct due to human competition for mussels and other shellfish. I imagine this duck retrieving tennis balls and slobbering like hell. I am sorry to not have met you, Labrador Duck. We would have played fetch for hours.

A wolf

The Tasmanian wolf went extinct in 1936 for multiple reasons. We hunted them and we destroyed their habitat.

I imagine this animal to look like a majestic wolf. But with a personality disorder causing him to be spastic like the Tasmanian devil.

An ass

The Atlas Wild Ass — much like a donkey, it became extinct due to Roman sport hunting. Obviously, I imagine this animal to be a donkey with an atlas on it instead of stripes. And he has an attitude problem.

A bear

The Californian Grizzly — I have never met a bear, but if I had to choose want to meet it would be this one. This bear would be way too chill to kill you. He would probably be high and he probably would fight the forest fires alongside the firemen.

This species died due to hunting. Imagine that.

A field with flowers in it.
Photo by Katie Drazdauskaite on Unsplash

Rest in peace. Don’t worry. We are destroying our own habitat, too. Karma is making her way to us.