Posted in Content, creeps, Humor

Seduced By Messenger

His audacity shocked me. Sweat glistened on his face in his profile picture. His 1970’s era thick mustache was clearly something he was proud of while the toothpaste splattered mirror in his picture’s background had not been cleaned very recently, if ever.

I stared at him and read his message forty-three times back to back, trying to figure out if this was real. Was my wildest fantasy finally coming to fruition?Not two minutes later, but before I could respond, he messaged again. This time it was a GIF with a rose, heart, and a teddy bear. All the things every woman on the face of the earth loves according to every man. It was at that pivotal moment when I made the decision to break the bond I had with my husband and message back this studly speciman. Trying to resist this kind of obviously fated connection was just ludicrous and pointless.

I was beginning to type out my erotic, but love filled, response to him when his third message came through. I opened it, scanned it, and I knew that I had to have my tubes untied as soon as humanly possible so I could carry his child. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and the only thing I have ever wanted. It was a dick pic from a stranger. That’s right. Every woman’s dream

Sweating profusely now, I started typing. I put a lot of thought in my response so he would know how much I appreciated every one of his messages. But before I could hit send, I got another message notification.

This time it just said, “Bitch.” I quickly finished my heartfelt message and pressed send. Half a second later, it gave me an indication that I had been blocked and my message did not go through to him.

Well, crap. I lost Prince Charming. Let this be a lesson to us all. I made the decision to stay with the amazing husband that I had.

Public Service Announcement: This is purely satirical and for fun. No one likes that, Randy. Cut it out. Go clean your bathroom mirror.

Before this woman, the attention you try and spark will never ignite — Kylie

Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, tips

Genius Ideas Shot Down

Talk first, think later. I have always had this habit and it has gotten me into trouble more times than I care to admit. I’ve been called bold, brazen, and unfiltered when in reality, I am just missing the part of the brain that makes one give two shits about the opinions of others. I also believe creativity is at its best when it is uncensored. I realize the reader may not believe that but, reminder, I am the one writing this article.

I have many unappreciated talents which include mockery, random statistic formulations, extreme sarcasm, and the uncanny ability to say anything with enough confidence and a straight face cool enough to get anyone to believe anything. I am also great at twisting or making up quotes to suit my current agenda. Basically, what I’m saying is I should definitely be President.

I think of myself as being somewhat creative and a self-diagnosed genius, so I am constantly on the lookout for new marketing strategies for my work and my blog. In addition to writing a blog, I am writing a novel and an e-book. This is after I get done with my day jobs which include managing over one hundred and eighty rental properties, listing houses, financial consulting, and credit repair.

I am also a mother to six children, two dogs, two birds, and a turtle. Mosaic making is a hobby of mine I plan to dominate when I’m done with that one guy who writes on Medium.

I won’t lie. I’ve had more great ideas that got shot down than approved by the powers that be. Apparently, risk takers are not appreciated by everyone. Luckily, I believe in myself enough for all of us. I’m not at Trump level, but close.

A Hard No Is Like a Regular No, but Harder

Picture an online advertisement for my credit repair services. The quote I suggested was, “Your face is not the only thing that needs filtering. See Kylie about giving your credit a new look too!” You see the image of someone that is truly terrible looking, but could be fixed with some filtering or plastic surgery. That was a hard no from my broker. It was one of many over the years

Imagine calling somewhere to conduct business or to make an appointment and being put on hold. Instead of hearing the soothing sounds of soft jazz, you are pleasantly surprised with the motivational sounds of hardcore rap encouraging you to be the best murdering drug dealer you can be. This was also a hard no. We are missing an entire demographic here!

A frowning rapper with an attitude problem.
Photo by Aneesh Mandava on Unsplash

Trying to sell metal detectors with the new name of Corona Detector. My husband did not approve and neither did the people I pitched it on in the elevator that day.

I have a tenant whose first name is General. I thought this was one of the most unbelievably genius names I have ever heard. I immediately approached my husband about getting my first name changed to Doctor. Just as fast, I was once again shut down.

These are just a few of the millions of unbelievably amazing ideas I have had throughout the years. I’m not resentful, but I can’t believe my ideas were trashed when a man made millions of dollars by inventing a pool noodle.

Risk Taking

We have become ingrained in our over-sensitive, politically correct culture and I don’t like it one bit. You have to do something different if you want to be different. The definition of insanity — according to Einstein in one article and definitely not him according to some others — is to do the same thing over and over but expect a different result.

I always tell this to my friends who get in relationships constantly with the same types of crappy men. Think outside of the box. Try something different. It may be the best thing you ever did.

Optimism still seeps out of me alongside every great idea and I just know my time to shine is coming soon.

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Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, Life, parenting

Love Is An Action Word

Beauty doesn’t affect change, love does. — Kylie

I hear that I am loved more now than I ever did as a child, but I feel no more loved. I saw the love given to me by the acts shown or affection felt. My family did not say, “I love you.” I wasn’t hugged daily, told good job for scribbling nonsense, or given a trophy for participating in public activities or sporting events. And guess what? I’ve turned out fine.

I saw the love in my mother’s working and cooking. I saw it with my sister’s extreme jokes on me, my brother’s care of me, and when my stepfather took me to the doctor.

I guess that I’ve turned out fine is debatable, but I definitely could have turned out a lot worse. I am caring, loyal, and a hard worker who is self-sufficient and reliable. I also like to toot my own horn. These days, entitled teens run the streets outfitted with $20,000 starter vehicles and working none for any of it. Their character reflects this.

I have said those three little words thousands of times, but the actions of love that I took for those people meant more than my words did. I still stay in the habit of saying I love you to those that are close to me. However, I want them to look back and say they saw it and felt it also.

Mouth watering picture of slab of meat with brocoli and gravy.
Photo by Alex Munsell on Unsplash

Food

I put my heart and soul into my cooking, along with butter, so every meal I make for my loved ones is an act of love from me. I know who loves what and cook that for their special days, from birthdays to weddings.

I hope they can taste my love. I know they can see it once the weight starts piling on.

Teasing

This one is my main love language. I bully, but ever so gently, the ones I love the most. Sharing jokes, pranks, and humor with each other is definitely the way I receive love the best. Unless, of course, it’s clearly not funny and then I just extremely violent. Strangers don’t always know how to take me, but my loved ones love me for the sarcastic foul-mouthed delight that I am and wouldn’t want it any other way. Except for maybe my Grandma, God rest her soul, who got the whoopee cushion in church when I was seven.

Care

To be considered such a bully, I am actually quite caring. I make sure everyone knows that I am the friend they can call if they need something. I’m not the one just saying that. I will call, bring food, and show up if I know something is going on in your life. I will go to the hospital to see you and call your parents “mom” and “dad”. I only gently bully the ones that I love the most. If I don’t like someone, I am just really over the top polite to them. s


At the end of the day, my point is that so many more need to show love instead of just saying it. They say it almost as an automatic response to getting off the phone or leaving the house. I’m not saying to stop saying it, but show it too!

People never forget how you made them feel. For example, my love is a fire. It will keep you warm, but it will also burn the crap out of you.

Posted in Content, Ideas, tips, writing

5 Ways To Find Fresh Content Ideas

Canva

I have been writing forever, but only a few months here on this platform. I have noticed a trend in articles about monthly earnings and content generation. And by a trend, I mean everyone is copying that one guy.

With that being noted, I have nothing much to contribute in regards to the earnings, so I will share some of the ways I come up with ideas.

Pinterest

Pinterest should just change its name to contact board because so many ideas are available right there for your grabbing. I’ll look in the today, following, and for you sections for inspiration.

Pinterest is also a great place to do research for articles that you might be playing around with in your head. It will need to be fact checked for sure, though.

Newsletter

Another good thing to use for ideas are newsletters that may come to your email. That’s why I sign up for as many as possible. My Apple newsletter is especially helpful in keeping up with current events. Reading another blog might stimulate an idea as well

I also like reading newsletters so I can know the minds of my competitors and, in one case, the super arrogant man I am determined to defeat on Medium.

Surroundings

I have used my surroundings many times to spark my creativity. I have used music, conversations, and scenery. My family, my experiences, and my extremely regular failures have also played a part in many of my musings. My amazing street cred, collection of hotel soaps,and former life as a gypsy fortune teller have also provided me with plenty to offer in my writings.

News

The news is full of current events, made up completely events, and past events that have been twisted to fit today’s agenda. You can take all of this garbage and put your own spin on it.

If nothing stimulates you or catches your fancy, just pretend something happened. Then write about it and maybe you can cause a viral or global panic. Fingers crossed.

My Sister

Not your sister, my sister. That’s right. I am offering her up for you to write about. There are so many things she does and qualities she’s missing as a human, that you will be ruminating for days on the possibilities.

That is the beauty of writing. There are so many common topics, but you don’t ever get the same exact opinions twice. Every writer has his or her own unique voice to lend to the situation. Even some morons that I’m tired of hearing from. Even politicians if they have had a few drinks.