Posted in animals, Humor, Life

What The F**k Is Happening?

Questions I need the answers to

What is happening? Eight Questions Nobody Is Asking

The older I get, the more confused I get. What the f@@k is happening? Is the world going to shit? Or am I old enough now to start to notice what has always been visible to everyone else?

I get confused by the hatred that is generated by adults. I get confused by violence and hate and racism and misogyny. I get confused and angry about animal abuse and elder abuse and child abuse. But, I think these are things we all get confused and angry about. We all should anyways.

This article is about some other things I have been confused about recently. These things probably aren’t what most of you normal people even think about. I just assumed normal people thought about cream of wheat and Jeopardy. And the weather, obviously.

But, if I have pondered about these odd things, I know at least one other person has as well. I can’t be the only one noticing these things. If I’m not though, why is nobody talking about this?

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Juja Han Via Unsplash

Foot fetishes: What in the ever loving f&@k?

What happened during these peoples formative years to make them turn out like this? At what point did they decide a foot was a sexualized object? Beyond that, do they fantasize about marrying a foot? Do they want to date the foot? Or is it just another thing to assault with a penis?

And what part of the foot is it that is sexy? The hammertoes with the toe jam. Or the crusty ass heels. I am just saying that I have seen some nasty feet and I have no desire to ever get sexual with a foot.

Do they want a clean foot? Or do they want one that smells like feet? How does one make love to a foot? No, I don’t want to look and watch a video. I want someone to tell me. I’ll be less traumatized that way.

Where did roly polys go?

When I was a kid they were everywhere, chilling with their pals the earthworms. Why is nobody talking about this? They are both GONE.

Please bring back the roly poly.

My roly poly was the only pet I had for the first 11 years of my life. Besides the pet rock, but I don’t count that anymore.

I think he probably died every day and my mom just got me a new one from out in the yard. Because he was always on the counter only at 4 o’clock until my bedtime.

Did I really not have any pet? Was that the most genius get my kid a pet move in the history of parenting? I don’t wanna know if that was a different Roly Poly every day. Because I loved one roly-poly whose name was Ronald.

And yes, I named him after the greatest leader this country has ever seen. The clown that runs McDonald’s.

Reagan was the greatest President

I really named my Ronald after the greatest president of all time, Ronald Reagan. I don’t normally like to talk about politics, but I am completely flabbergasted that we have elected this person to run our country.

I think we all can agree that it worked out once having a movie star as a president but, after this latest debacle, I think we should make a rule that anybody in the entertainment industry cannot be president.

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What happened to long distance and collect calling?

I miss calling people collect. It would be cool if we were notified when we did something that it would be the last time we would ever do it. I didn’t know the last time I played outside it would be the last time.

I didn’t know the last time my son got in bed to watch a movie with me it would be the last time. I didn’t know when I talked to my father it would be the last time.

I’m gonna need somebody to start giving us some warning.

I definitely would have ran some charges up if I had known the last time I was making a collect call. I would’ve made it count.

Why is it good to keep your enemies closer than your friends?

Wouldn’t you get them confused? I don’t want my friends and my enemies all willy-nilly together. They would just all blend together eventually.

I like to keep my enemies strictly over there with the assholes. By over there I mean in a corner or a ditch. Just kidding. I’m a super nice person.

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Photo by Claudio Swartz via Unsplash

Why would you want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster?

My mom used to say this all the time and I still don’t understand what in the hell it means.

Why would you shit in one hand and see if it filled up faster if you wanted in the other hand? That doesn’t even make any sense.

However, my mama is not the type of mama you can argue with or even ask what something means. All of that is considered backtalk and is punishable by an ass whooping.

So if I asked for something and she didn’t wanna give it to me she would just tell me that saying that made no sense at all.

I vowed I would never do that to my kids. That was the first of many lies I would tell myself.



Calling All Plant Parents

Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life

5 Simple Ways To Gain Massive Street Cred

I might not look like it, but gangsta is used often to describe me

I work on the south side of my town. Much like other towns, some of the areas are not the best on the “south side.” Some are considered dangerous. I’ve never had any problems.

In fact, I enjoy the people here so much better than on the ritzy side of town. I have broken down on the side of the road and had more than three people rush to help me.

I do avoid nefarious situations, though. For instance, I don’t hang out in dark alleys. I also hate smiling. That tends to keep most people away.

Teardrop tat

I don’t know that I’ve actually ever met anybody in a gang. But I’m going to go ahead and say, “Yes, I have.”

That means, I have street cred which is short for street credibility. That means I have been validated as someone raised on the streets by others of the same description. Basically, I’m in a club by initiation.

I don’t have a teardrop tattoo yet because I have not ever killed anybody and I don’t plan on it. So instead, I will get eyeliner tattooed on.

In the meantime, I just wear a butt-load of eyeliner. Sometimes, I’ll draw tears on with a sharpie to increase my standing in the gangster community.

Sagging my slacks

I actually have a professional job so I can’t sag my jeans. So I have to sag my slacks. The effect is not the same when you’re wearing a skirt, just so you know. And it’s impossible with a dress.

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Photo by Andrew Le on Unsplash

Bitch Slap

I don’t fight. I’m too physically fragile for all of that nonsense. But I will throw out a good bitch slap when needed.

I also have a taser and I’m not afraid to use it. But, I have never used it. I also have a gun I’ve never used as well.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve actually had no problems on the horrible side of town that I work on.

A gang is a club

I’m in a club, much like a gang member, except we help the community and try not to shoot people. We discuss current events. Otherwise known as gossip.

We like to read, so some might call us a book club. Regardless, two are in menopause, one has grandchildren, and three have kids under age ten at home.

Gangster is subjective. We are women. We are moms. We will f**k up anyone from any street.


Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life

A List Of My Lists For The List Addict

A listicle of lists

A graphic stating A List Of My Lists in bright colors for the list addict.
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My name is Kylie and I am a list addict. No, I didn’t misspell lust. I really am that boring.

Don’t worry though, it’s not the only thing I’m addicted to. Just the only one I’ll be writing about today.

The list

Daily To Do

Weekly To Do

Yearly To Do

My Enemies

Birthdays

People with STDs

My Misdemeanors

Presents

Groceries

Things I f**ked up

Checking Accounts/Balances

Places I’m Banned From

Stocks/EFTs

Summer Vacation Ideas

Winter Vacation Ideas

Plastic Surgery I Want

Plastic Surgery I Need

Ways To Get Health Insurance

The Worst Kissers

Active Restraining Orders

Restraining Orders About To Expire

Articles to Write

Publications to Submit To

People That Have Pissed Me Off, Volumes 1–78

Chores

Chores For My Husband To Never Complete

Yearly Home Maintenance

Car Maintenance Checklist

Yearly Self Care

Daily Self Care

Mosaic Projects

Website To Do

WTF Is SEO?

Cats I Don’t Like

Revenge Tactics — Legal


I could go on for hours, but I feel like I should ease you into this for multiple reasons.

I hope you found some use out of my list of lists. My lists have served me well and are the main reason that I am the mediocre success that I am today. If I spent half as much energy accomplishing goals in lieu of listing them, I could probably be a lot more successful.


Posted in Humor, Life, parenting, Teenager

4 Fun Ways To Embarrass Your Children

Therapy is unavoidable, so you might as well have fun

A child dressed in winter clothing is embarrassed
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One of the least talked about benefits, in normal circles anyway, of having children is the ability to be able to make fun of them and humiliate them ever so gently.

You have countless opportunities over the years to embarrass them in many, many ways. Do not let this go to waste. You’re going to be paying for therapy anyway. You might as well make the most of it.

PDA

Otherwise known as a public display of affection, this act will mortify for years on end. A good way to do this is to maybe hug your husband or, if you are really feeling spicy, performing a huge make out session right in front of the school.

If you’re a single parent, as I have been often, just grab someone nearby. Sometimes, jail is worth it if you succeed in your goals. Make sure you use tongue.

Try to dance or be cool in any capacity

My kids absolutely hate it when I “dab.” They also hate it when I use their lingo. I will throw in words like fye and lit during our conversations. Especially if their friends are around. That way they know I’m trying to understand and relate to them.

My fourteen year old son loves to call me bro. Once I started beating him to it and calling him bro first, he cut it out.

The kitty game

I don’t like to remember this dark period in my life. For it is when my parents dealt an embarrassing blow so devastating that only now, many decades later, can I laugh about it.

It was the evening of my first date and the day after my sixteenth birthday. The doorbell rang as all gentlemen must come to the door to pick a lady up, according to my mother.

I thought it was odd that my stepfather didn’t want to answer the door and made me do it instead.I answered the door and escorted my date into the living room where my parents were watching television on the couch.

They were not on the couch anymore when I came in to introduce my date to them. I felt all of my blood rush to my face as I realized what they were doing to embarrass me.

Once again, I had underestimated them. They were on all fours. They were playing the kitty game.

The kitty game is much like it sounds. You crawl around and act like a cat. This includes purring, meowing, and rubbing against people’s legs. To date, I have never been more embarrassed.

Clothing

Take it from me, kids don’t appreciate it when you wear their names on your shirt to celebrate them at a sporting event or even just Applebee’s. They want you to show up to their games. But they don’t want you to cheer for them, make eye contact with them, talk to their friend’s parents, or wear a shirt with their name on it.

Kids also want you to dress your age. Which means they think, at age 41, I should be wearing cat sweaters and elastic band pants. I’ve got the elastic band pants down pat so I’m holding off on the cat sweater.

Conclusion

Have fun with parenting. They are only young once and what doesn’t kill them, or you, will make you stronger. Within reason, of course.


Posted in Humor, Life, love

Sarcasm Is My Love Language

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.

Sarcasm is my love language is written over a backdrop of Paris' Eiffel tower. Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.
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Is gentle scorn or sarcasm really worse than public displays of affection? I don’t think so. Apparently, I am in the minority with this view. I would much rather roast someone than hug them. Sarcasm is how I show my love. In other words, it is my love language.

Am I proud of this? No. It’s just who I am. I am not a very demonstrative person. I get that from my mother. We hugged on holidays and when I gave birth. Because of this, I am the most awkward hugger on the planet.

I have always been the type of person to show my love with gentle scorn, or sarcasm, rather than affection or generic platitudes. You will feel my love by the heat of my sarcasm. Except for my mother, obviously. She doesn’t understand sarcasm and would beat my butt into oblivion.

The people that know me understand that about me. They love me for it. The people that don’t know me well think I’m a huge bitch. They are not wrong, but I’m not the kind of huge bitch they think I am.

A man named Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages. In the book, Gary basically says that people show their love and receive love in different ways and it’s all about finding out what you or your partner’s love language is. This book seems to help people find the way to love their partner in the ways they need and understand. You could just ask your partner what they are missing from you in the relationship and save $24.99. Just saying.

I use attention, humor, sex, gentle bullying, and sarcasm to show my love to my husband. I think my love language combo would be a new mix for the author of the book. I am a pretty odd duck according to everyone that has ever met me.

My husband is actually the sensitive one that shows his love by holding my hand and doing chores around the house. He thinks he is doing those chores for me since he’s a man and thinks deep down inside chores are a woman’s obligation. He would never say that out loud of course. However, he acts as if he is owed a parade thrown in his honor after he completes them.

Multi-colored spray painted hearts
Photo by Renee Fisher on Unsplash

Love can be felt and seen in a million different ways. From a text checking up on you to a home cooked meal, love is not always tangible and physical. It is a phone call, flowers when you’re grieving, visits when you’re sick, and tears for you when you’re hurting. I believe that the little things are worth the most. They signify a real, lasting love.

I have always told my children, as they have grown up and experienced falling in love, and then their first heartbreak, if a love starts fast like spontaneous combustion, it will die just as quickly. If a love is built slowly from a solid friendship, it will be more likely to be enduring.

A beautiful hummingbird picture inside of a heart
Photo by Andrew Lane on Unsplash

If we focus less on how we receive love and more on the ways we can give it, we might not be such miserable dirtbags sometimes. Despite my snarkiness and sarcasm, I am very thankful for every little act of love and every kindness I am shown.

We can apply this principle to many areas in our lives. It’s the small actions, done consistently, that add up to cause the biggest difference made. Being a giver will always bring more back to you than being a taker will.

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do. Also, romantic love is not always the strongest kind, only the most glorified.


Fire pits & patio heaters

Posted in Humor, Life, parenting

Mistakes In The Morning Can Affect The Entire Day

Jump aboard the hot mess express

A beautiful morning in a field before any mistakes ruin the entire day.
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I have failed at being a morning person. It’s one of many things I’ve failed at. But, alas, we only have time for one today.

I have tried many times in many different ways to restructure my life. I want to be a morning person! I just can’t succeed at this one simple goal. Hell, I’ve been trying for 10 years. Now I’m old and it should just come naturally, but it doesn’t.

I have tried replacing habits. I have tried going to bed earlier. I have tried snoozing my alarm. I have tried getting up on the first alarm. I have tried an alarm clock that makes you do a math equation in order to shut the alarm off. My husband almost divorced me.

Failure is what I’m good at when it comes to mornings. It’s not just waking up that does me in. It’s dressing. It’s eating breakfast. It’s functioning in general. The main issue is just staying awake.

I do think I have narcolepsy, but my doctor won’t let me diagnose myself. He seems to disagree, although I’ve never been tested to my knowledge.

I have been an unintentional clusterfuck my whole life. Drama, tragedy, and stuff straight from a B movie will find its way to me even if I don’t leave my house. Even so, I can fix all that. Usually. Or time will fix it eventually.

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Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

My schedule is as follows. My first alarm goes off at 6:30 am. I hit snooze. I repeat this five or more times despite my intentions. At 7:05, my husband’s alarm goes off. I sit up and yell, “F**k!”

I rush around the room and trip multiple times while dressing. I run out the door 15 minutes late and make it to work five minutes late everyday without makeup. All my kids are late to school.

How do you fix a bad habit when it’s ingrained in you? This is not one of those articles where I tell you how I fixed my life at the end.

I genuinely can’t fix this about myself. Any tips or ideas would be appreciated even if I’ve probably already tried them all.


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