Posted in Humor, Life, tips

Life’s Essentals

Life Essentials
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It is common knowledge that my opinions and advice are sought the world over. Presidents, the smart ones, have called to seek the level-headedness that only I can offer. Owls stop hooting when I walk past, because they know they have been overshadowed by my genius.

Ok, I’m full of shit. I do often think about what makes up the best parts of my life. The little things that I look forward to or the big items that make my life worth living. I’m not talking about family or loved ones because that is an obvious given and the main driving force in my galaxy.

I’m speaking of the other things. The ones people take for granted or minimize as being trivial, despite the impact they bring. I want to practice gratefulness and honor these subjects of my affection.

A Best Friend

There is nothing more valuable than a best friend or friends. We all need someone other than our family or spouse to lean on, vent to, or make trouble with. I am lucky to have several best friends from childhood and a few new friends I couldn’t do without.

Romance/Desire

Everyone needs to feel wanted and desired. It is not a need, but it sure feels like one sometimes. We all love the rush of falling in love. Being pursued makes us feel worthy in a way that other things cannot. It fades and is not the most important thing in a relationship, but desire can be ignited if parties try hard enough.

Men also need to feel desired. They get tired of having to do all the pursuing and appreciate the feeling of knowing they are wanted, just as we do.

High Thred Count Sheets

Some people, particularly men, don’t care about this, but I consider it to be one of life’s greatest luxuries. There’s nothing better than getting in to a bed with clean sheets on after you have just shaved your legs. Men, if you haven’t tried this you need to give it a try one time at least.

Hygiene Materials

No one, especially women and young ladies, should have to go without the proper access to hygienic materials. In some countries,some women are still banished to a period hut during their cycle. Sitting there alone for 3 to 7 days, they free bleed with no access to anything for pain or cleanliness.

Here in America, there are countless women who can’t afford the monthly materials for their menstruation. If we can throw condoms at teenagers, we should be able to supply sanitary supplies to our young ladies and women.

Emotional/Creative Release

We all need an outlet to express our emotions and/or creativity. My outlet, first and foremost, is humor and sarcasm. Writing is a close second. Without these, I would either be the most angry, frustrated woman in America or the most boring. Either way, I don’t want to live my life like that.

Humor

I can’t imagine getting through life without a sense of humor. Humor alone has gotten me through the very worst moments of my life. It helps that I have the sense of humor is a 12 and a boy. There’s literally nothing I cannot find to laugh about. Some of it’s not funny at all

Unconditional love

Otherwise known as a mother. Everyone needs that soft place to land. They need that one person who is always there no matter what. Someone that will go to battle for them whether they need the backup or not.

Everyone needs to feel like a priority to someone, sometimes.

This is my list of things I believe that people need. Obviously, I could keep on listing a lot more. Life‘s necessities are subjective. For instance, Gold Bond powder is not a big deal to me. That doesn’t take away from all the men that have sweaty balls, though. We see you, men. But this is not your list, is it?


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

My Life: The Musical

My Life The Musical
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The Greatest Showman came uncomfortably close to replacing the Grease soundtrack as my favorite musical soundtrack.

Grease had been the only musical I had ever loved for as far back as I could remember. After being forced to go watch The Greatest Showman, I ran out and bought the first CD I had bought in over five years. Then, I went back to watch the movie again. It happened that quickly and I was addicted.

One night after my fifth viewing of the movie, feeling good, I decided to jot down what would be the soundtrack to my life.

Dancers
Unsplash

I have written the playlist here for your amusement and/or sympathy. I hope at least one would be performed by Hugh Jackman because, let’s face it, who knew he could sing like that. But, I’m not one to be unrealistic, so I have added other singers as well.

What The F*&k Is This? Song performed by Hugh Jackman with confused and erratic dancing by Sunny Heights Retirement Village

That Escalated Quickly! Song performed by Will Ferrell with John O’Reilly on drums.

It’s Not Me, It’s You – performed by Justin Bieber dressed in his famous denim/ramen combo. The song covers years 16 through 23.

I Got This! I Don’t Need Child Support— sung to a beautiful gospel hymn, the head matriarch of the Duggar family leads the song in this one.

Somebody Hold Me Back! — As performed by Mike Tyson. Some of it is kind of hard to understand, but that runs along with the theme of my life perfectly.

Things Have To Get Better— performed by the rapper known as Ludacris

Things Have To Get Better (volumes two through ten)many rappers from Eminem to R. Kelly but not the prism version.

Why Does God Pick On Me? — Performed by Morgan Freeman


Now, that I have written down my soundtrack, I only have to write the songs, get the talent, and record the album. Piece of cake.

I hope that one day I will be able to put my life story on the silver screen for the public’s consumption and enjoyment. I know it will be a while because we don’t have the capabilities to use special effects to that level of difficulty. And I’m not sure that the public is ready for a tragedy of that nature at this point. Also, whoever played me might get depressed and would definitely get injured on a near constant basis.

Keep your eyes on me, though. One day you might know my name for me, aka this Kylie), instead of a makeup Queen related to someone that hasn’t done anything but make a sex tape.


Posted in Career, Life, writing

Best Compliment EVER

Twitter

I have often described myself as the perfect woman, jokingly of course. But my editor actually described me that way on purpose. I checked. This was not a typo. I will politely be telling my husband about this everyday for the rest of my life.

And also, I will be getting this framed for my wall in addition to the walls of all of my family members and loved ones.


Posted in Cleaning, Life, tips

Grandma’s Greatest Disappointment

Grandma’s Disappointment With My Cleaning Skills
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I am not a good housekeeper. Not according to my mother and her mother’s standards anyway. Compared to most of the rental properties I have to inspect, I am a regular Martha Stewart minus the felonies. Cleaning standards are varied according to whoever is judging whom at that minute. These nagging opinions didn’t really bother me until I got left a bottle of Clorox in my grandma’s will.

I’m not begrudging that Clorox now because we are in a pandemic and it is very hard to find. Who’s laughing now, cousin Bobby?

Over the years I have learned many tips and tricks about cleaning. Tips learned for the soul purpose of making cleaning go easier, faster, and without much effort being involved.

Q-Tip

This little ear cleaning device can be used in a thousand different ways. It is the perfect size to get the dust out of crevices and tiny items. I love to use this to clean my air return vents. Most people don’t think about those, but I am not most people.

Magic Eraser

I don’t know what material this is made out of. If I had to guess, I would say a cloud. Whatever it is, it is an absolute lifesaver. That shit will get the dirt off of anything. You can clean walls with it. You can clean trash cans with it. You can clean the inside of your refrigerator with it. I’ve never tried it, but you could probably clean your kid with it.

Salt

Salt can make cleaning cast iron a breeze. Sprinkle dirty pan liberally with salt. Let it sit at least fifteen minutes and then scrub the gunk right off! I could write a book on cast iron. But I won’t today.

You can also sprinkle salt on a rust stain on the carpet. Pour hot water over the salt coated stain. Wait fifteen minutes or more and then the stain will blot right out.

Newspaper

Although this will be obsolete many years from now, I’ll be set because my stepfather was the editor of the paper and has hoarded about 10 years’ worth of papers.

My grandmother always said that they were good for cleaning mirrors, but I could not get them to not cause streaks or prevent the ink from transferring. But I do use it as a cleaning tool for any outside work that I need to do. That includes cleaning my front porch railings, my rocking chairs, my side tables, and my planters. I know you’re thinking I’m a huge old bore right now, but I do know how to good have a good time, I promise.

Baking Soda

My grandmother swore by it, but I really can’t say it works. However, Mammaw, I keep baking soda in my fridge to kill odors and I also sprinkle down my drains.

I’m not cleaning my floors with a toothbrush. I just don’t care that much.

Vinegar

I’m not gonna lie. This stuff stinks. End it stinks regardless of apple cider variety or any other kind. You just cannot make a flavor strong enough to get past the stink of vinegar.

However, it cleans amazingly and can be used to clean all kinds of stuff. I’ve heard of people to actually only use vinegar and use it to clean everything. I don’t because I can’t stand the smell. I don’t want my house smelling like a douche.

But if you’re judging something as far as usefulness goes, vinegar can be used for more than cleaning. It can be used for pickling, lice removal, bug spray, etc.


I hope my Mammaw’s cleaning tips will help you. Maybe she will be prouder of you than me.


Posted in Life

Life Lessons For My Children

Life Lessons For My Children
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Two of my children have already suffered the loss of one parent. The pain they felt from that was agonizing and left me vengeful. The curtain I had put up to hide life’s darkness from their little eyes had fallen off and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Since then, my biggest nightmare has always been having to leave them alone in this world before they are ready for me to go. I know the day will someday come and I hope I will have been able to ingrain the lessons they need to know about life into them by then.

Maintenance

As a property manager, I am continually surprised by the number of adults that can’t take care of basic maintenance in their home. I don’t want my children ever to be dependant on someone else to do things that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. Despite what my daughter thinks, she is not a princess and she can do whatever she is not too lazy to take on.

Identity

You will not find your identity in another person so stop trying to be anyone other than you. Just because your boyfriend likes hot rods doesn’t mean that you have to. You can have your own set of hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses. Common ground will show itself eventually, don’t try to force it.

Complacency

Don’t mistake comfort for happiness. Don’t get complacent in any area of your life. Always keep growing, loving, learning, and doing. When we stop doing those things, our lives become purposeless. We were not meant to be a stagnant species.

Boundaries

I wish I had learned this lesson early. It is absolutely necessary to set and maintain boundaries with every single relationship in your life. Draw your lines in the sand and do not compromise on this. Learn to say no and to say no more often. Unfortunately, takers will try to take more than you are capable of giving. Not everyone has the same heart you do.

Choices

Every decision we make or action we take part in has an equal reaction. Everything you do will affect your future self and your future circumstances. If things aren’t going right, look at some of the choices you’ve made instead of looking for someone else to blame.

Emotions

I hope they feel the emotions that are offered them, good or bad. I hope they never think the problems of others are less than theirs. No one’s problems are insubstantial. Everyone hurts and bleeds and deserves it to be acknowledged. We also can never know what someone is going through on the inside. Not everyone likes to whine and throw pity parties on social media.

The less fortunate

I hope they will look at the homeless, addicted, and fallen, but only see a beautiful soul. I hope they realize that the gold plated veneer of the beautiful eventually galvanizes and all that which was shiny becomes dull. I hope they learn that mankind is not a currency to be used to gain status. Do all good deeds quietly and with humility.

Obstacles

Every obstacle or difficulty is put in our path so we can defeat it. Through suffering, we all become wiser and more apt to grow and spark change. The passionate and driven will always replace the indifference.There are many, many other things that need to be taught to my children before they will be completely ready to be good and decent human beings.

I don’t want them to feel any pressure, but the fate of the world just may be resting on one of their shoulders.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

The Mansplanation

Mansplaining
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I once asked if water had calories in it. I am not proud of this moment. I was sixteen, but my obvious confusion by the laughter, cleared up immediately once Randy explained it to me. I knew that would happen. I only seem to be able to understand the logistics of something when a man is kind enough to mansplain it. My favorite thing is when they explain the workings of the female reproductive system.

A mansplanation is much like an explanation, but done so in a manner that is easier to understand for us women. You know, because our brains don’t work like men’s do.

One time, I was at the gas station standing there completely flabbergasted about what kind of snack I wanted to eat. Then a helpful gentleman moseyed up behind me, grabbed my hips and said, “Excuse me, little lady. I’m just trying to help you when I tell you that you probably don’t need any chocolate or a cookie. There are bananas for sale upfront at $.89 each.” He winked at me and walked away. So, that is when I got my first felony.

Thousands of mansplanations later, I am a Property Manager of over 185 rental properties which includes having to oversee many different vendors and contractors. Many of which whom are older and maler than I am. Some have no problem getting direction from a woman, but others feel the need to try to argue with me and mansplain everything.

I’ve had them mansplain the way air filters work and where they go, how to reset a garbage disposal, and how to find the cheapest tampons. Yes, they know everything. There is literally no need for us to learn anything.

But without the mansplanation, how would I have learned how to put air in my tires? How would I have learned the price per pound of groceries?

I hope one day to teach my own sons the art of mansplaining. I realize I am not a man, but I’ve experienced it enough to teach it, I believe. I’m sure a man will correct me if I’m wrong in this opinion.

Maybe once society gets this under their belt, we can work on the womansplanation. I’m imagining it to make a lot more sense and to include a lot more logic instead of, “Because I said so.” It might even include graphs and references.