Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, WTF

Tourette’s Syndrome Is Different From Having No Filter

I don’t have Tourette’s but I still shout things out when I’m nervous

Tourette's Syndrome spelled out in red on a yellow background.
Canva

I’m a fish out of water in a church environment. Actually, anywhere groups of strangers form. I get in a crowded situation and my mind just goes to mush. Then, my mouth opens and verbal diarrhea spills out.

If I was a real doctor, instead of just pretending to be one, I would probably diagnose me with Social Anxiety Disorder. So, obviously, I try and avoid big groups of people.

Nothing can be avoided forever. My friend’s mother passed away recently from COVID. I could not make the service because, I knew what would happen if I went, and I had to work. I didn’t want to look callous because I did care and wanted to show my support. So, I decided to go to the after service memorial, which was located at my friend’s house.

The Memorial

I took extra care at work to not over frazzle myself. I am out in the field a good majority of my day, which means I look like a hot sweaty mess by the time the end of the day comes. I made myself look presentable and raced as fast as I could to make it across town before the party started.

I don’t like making an entrance. I always prefer to be first so I can be the one staring at the newbies walking in. I got there, but I was not first. Or even fiftieth. People were everywhere.

I slunk behind people and entered the house. People were milling about all through the downstairs and the kitchen. I looked for my friend, her family, or anyone familiar.

I finally spotted someone I knew across the room. It was my friend Pete. I got excited to finally see a familiar face. I tried waving but he didn’t see me. He was immersed in a conversation with a grandmotherly figure. So I decided to slightly whisper his name.

“Penis!” I shouted.

Three penis shaped vegetables line up in a row.
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

You could hear a pin drop. The next few seconds were only comprised of silence, sweat, and the blood rushing to redden my face.

Obviously, I left immediately after stammering, “I meant Pete.”

The next time you do or say something mortifying, just remember me. This is the kind of social ineptitude that I am known for in my circle. But at least I can make you feel better about yourself.

You’re welcome.


Posted in Humor, WTF

3 Strange Opinions I Hide That Are Guaranteed To Offend

How are these opinions not obviously correct?

Former pinions guaranteed to offend somebody
Canva by Author


Opinions are like anuses; everybody has one. But my husband has banned me from bringing them up online or at parties. I really have no choice other than to bring these strange opinions up now, and then it will be out of my system. Please note that these are my opinions so I am not looking to argue. That is what Facebook is for.

News

I hear people talking crap about the propaganda that is spilled out of North Korea on a daily basis. Or China’s propaganda or Japan’s. The same people then sit down and watch our news for 10 to 12 hours straight. How do they not see that the news is our own propaganda? We are handed propaganda at every turn churches or news or media.

The American media has always had an agenda. They are a conglomerate capable of much more than what they actually do. They show only what they want to be seen and tell only what they want to tell.

What if, instead of inciting and dividing, they unified us as a people? Why do they divide us? Are the powers that be scared of a unified people? Hence the saying, divide and conquer?

Two of the animals that didn’t fit on a boat someone built for every species.
Photo by James Lee on Unsplash

Noah’s Ark

I’m sorry in advance. No one, even the best boat builder around, could build a boat big enough to fit all the species in it. And then, he supposedly did it in his backyard. I stand by my argument that this story is a fable or parable and not a fact. Logic should support me on this. I will not pull out measurements to show this is not feasible.

Racism is real

Racism is real. White privilege is real. It doesn’t mean all lives don’t matter. It means all lives do matter, including black ones. It doesn’t mean we have to keep living like that. We can all come together and implement changes to change things. It will take a while, but all good and worthy things do.Be the change you want to see. But, first, you have to open your eyes.


Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, WTF

Diary Of An Idiot

A diary laying on a pink background with beautiful flowers. It is an idiot's diary, though.
Made with Canva

The true story of when I ran myself over with my own car.


I ran myself over with my car. I had never felt more like an idiot in my life. I am lucky to be alive, actually. What a dumb way to die.

The morning started just like any other with me being frazzled and running late. I rushed through my morning routine, grabbed my work, and darted out the door. This is the same as any other weekday except on this particular morning, I was on the phone with a friend. She called me at 7:30 am to try and help me with getting my lazy ass out of bed, but we ended up chit chatting as I rushed around.

I hopped in the car, cranked it up, put it in drive, and got off the phone with my friend. Then, I realized, as I was backing up, that I had forgotten my lunch in the house. I jumped out and headed to the house to go get it. I saw the car moving in my peripheral vision.

I turned around and was horrified to see my car backing up out of my driveway with my driver side door hanging open. I raced back to the car, in my heels, and grabbed the edge of the driver’s side door just as the car backed up out of my driveway.

I hung on as the car drug me across the street and into the neighbor’s yard before finally coming to a stop against the tree between my car and the neighbor’s house.

Luckily, the tree stopped serious damage, or worse, to myself and anything else.

The pain was not instant. It seemed to be on a twenty second delay. It came with an intensity that almost knocked me on my back again. Lunging, burning pain in my ankles, knees, and back. Blood pooled up on my knees and my ankles started swelling. I started mentally berating myself for not letting go of the car.

Then I started laughing. Then, just as suddenly, I stopped laughing. That was the moment I realized all of my neighbors had caught this on their cameras.


Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire, Uncategorized, WTF

What Is Anal Bleaching?

And more importantly, why does it exist?

A firm and bleached buttocks.
Canva

I don’t care if my butthole color offends anyone. You read that correctly. Bleaching one’s butthole, aka spinchter, is now a thing.

Now, not only do we have to groom ourselves meticulously in our nether regions but we also are being pressured to bleach our anuses. Well, I guess we don’t have to. Because I’m not going to. There is no beauty standard or ideal worth much pain or effort for me at this point in my life. Much less a sudden standard about my butthole color.

What is anal bleaching?

I am so glad you asked. Butthole bleaching is the process of dying your asshole so it is lighter than the color you were born with.

Why bleach your anus?

I don’t know. You tell me. I guess there’s also self-esteem issues regarding the color of one’s sphincter. Your guess is as good as mine.

I would love to be informed if this is somehow deemed medically necessary. If I find out anyone’s insurance actually covers this, I quit. I quit everything.

The procedure

I am not ashamed to tell you that I researched this vigorously. You can buy a cream to do this yourself or you can go professional and get it done at a place that actually does sphincter bleaching. Either way, you will use a cream that is most likely cancer-causing just to make your butthole blend in with the rest of your skin.

I just want to know why this is not a disorder of some kind. Are mental health professionals not concerned?

So, if you, or someone you know, actually plans to spend their hard earned money to have their butthole bleached, please email me. I will give you my cash app info. At least that way your money will be going towards a good cause. The good cause being anything other than a butthole bleaching.

Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, if you or anyone you know, enjoys a butt bleaching, please do not let me know. That’s weird AF.