Posted in Humor, Life

My Journey To Cure Premature Laughter

Premature laughter is no laughing matter
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There are literally millions of people in the world that think they are funny when they are not. They are enabled by the pity laugh. There are also thousands of people who are kind of funny in a weird way. Then there are thirty-six of us who are really funny. We have super-advanced, almost supernaturally advanced if you will, senses of humor and we can detect sarcasm up to 18 miles away by scent alone. It is an extremely elite club that I am proud to be not only a member of but also the president and founder of.

The least funny person of our elite members-only group is a gal named Brenda. We have an almost imperceptible, but really visible, rivalry with each other. I think she’s really jealous of the fact that not only am I funny, but I’m not really fucking dumb either. She keeps on saying that I have an issue with her Birkenstocks and I don’t. I do not give a shit what kind of shoes she wears or who she sleeps with at night. At the end of the day, it really boils down to the fact that she is a level two funny and a level nine passive-aggressive. Her afflictions are numerous and her laugh is atrocious. But, beyond that, she’s a great person.

I, myself, take pride in the fact that I am a level 10 funny and also level 10.5 aggressive. No, I didn’t spell that twice. I’m so aggressive, they gave me an extra half-point above the limit. To put it in a perspective that you peasants can understand, it would be kind of like having an A-type personality but much harder than that.

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone either fake laughs or laughs earlier than your punch line. They are placating you. Or they’re trying to hide the fact that they are one of the 10% of the population born with no sense of humor. Most of those people all live in Ohio by the way. Much like chimpanzees can mimic humans, those born without a sense of humor learn to mimic those that do. This is so they aren’t killed off since they are technically a weaker species, being born without humor. They wouldn’t know funny if it came up and hit them in the face.

Like all great comedic geniuses, I would rather hear the sweet, sweet sound of silence than the grating guffaw of a fake laugh.

So you might not be in the majority, who KNOWS this affliction is worse than premature ejaculation, but I am.

Don’t laugh at a joke if you do not find it funny. You are just instigating more bad jokes. Isn’t the world bad enough as it is?


Posted in Humor, Life, Social Media, tips

Do You Want To Stop Someone’s Whining On Facebook?

Stop Facebook Whining
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Her posts were filled with self-pity, memes reflecting the character of strong women, pleas to the ones that got away, and cringe worthy desperation. — Kylie

I speak for the nation when I say, “Please stop your incessant whining on Facebook. We also don’t want to see a picture of your tears, your empty bed, or your cleavage.”

I can’t unfriend her or look away, try as I might. Might someone be more cringeworthy than me? Suddenly my obviously finding myself hysterical didn’t seem so bad to this odd mix of self-pity, love of her own eyes, and selfies. Her beautiful children would be featured every now and then, but normally were overshadowed by her fixation on finding her true love.

I have never wanted to bitch slap somebody more in my entire life. Then I realized, how was I doing anything but hurting her by continuing to watch this without saying something? I was being a mean girl, and that is not who I am.

So, I called her. I told her how she was coming across and she genuinely seem to not realize that. She admitted to wondering why she lost so many friends online recently. It made an immediate difference in her online persona.

So, instead of talking about her behind her back consistently, I went to her directly with the issue. Now, she’s in a better place and, unfortunately, I’m out of dramatics to watch unfold on Facebook. My husband is being a shit right now so maybe people are watching me and my passive aggressive posts and talking shit.

I just hope that is not my entire fifteen minutes of fame.I’m sure I will humiliate myself for another 15 minutes of fame somewhere along this road of life I travel.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

My Life: The Musical

My Life The Musical
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The Greatest Showman came uncomfortably close to replacing the Grease soundtrack as my favorite musical soundtrack.

Grease had been the only musical I had ever loved for as far back as I could remember. After being forced to go watch The Greatest Showman, I ran out and bought the first CD I had bought in over five years. Then, I went back to watch the movie again. It happened that quickly and I was addicted.

One night after my fifth viewing of the movie, feeling good, I decided to jot down what would be the soundtrack to my life.

Dancers
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I have written the playlist here for your amusement and/or sympathy. I hope at least one would be performed by Hugh Jackman because, let’s face it, who knew he could sing like that. But, I’m not one to be unrealistic, so I have added other singers as well.

What The F*&k Is This? Song performed by Hugh Jackman with confused and erratic dancing by Sunny Heights Retirement Village

That Escalated Quickly! Song performed by Will Ferrell with John O’Reilly on drums.

It’s Not Me, It’s You – performed by Justin Bieber dressed in his famous denim/ramen combo. The song covers years 16 through 23.

I Got This! I Don’t Need Child Support— sung to a beautiful gospel hymn, the head matriarch of the Duggar family leads the song in this one.

Somebody Hold Me Back! — As performed by Mike Tyson. Some of it is kind of hard to understand, but that runs along with the theme of my life perfectly.

Things Have To Get Better— performed by the rapper known as Ludacris

Things Have To Get Better (volumes two through ten)many rappers from Eminem to R. Kelly but not the prism version.

Why Does God Pick On Me? — Performed by Morgan Freeman


Now, that I have written down my soundtrack, I only have to write the songs, get the talent, and record the album. Piece of cake.

I hope that one day I will be able to put my life story on the silver screen for the public’s consumption and enjoyment. I know it will be a while because we don’t have the capabilities to use special effects to that level of difficulty. And I’m not sure that the public is ready for a tragedy of that nature at this point. Also, whoever played me might get depressed and would definitely get injured on a near constant basis.

Keep your eyes on me, though. One day you might know my name for me, aka this Kylie), instead of a makeup Queen related to someone that hasn’t done anything but make a sex tape.


Posted in Trump

Breaking News: Trump Hates TikTok

Orinially posted on August 21, 2020 on Medium

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I woke up this morning and checked my news app like I always do expecting fully to see some more statistics regarding the virus. However to my dismay, the fact that Trump is banning TikTok took cover. Why in the world does he have it out for TickTock? We have 1 million other things ruining our society that he could be focused on.

Not only that, but someone should ban him from Twitter. His PR person is terrible. His tweets alone are reason enough to not like him. And that’s discounting the actual terrible acts he performs in real life. And his misogyny.

I don’t know the exact reasoning behind his TikTok ban other than he’s blaming China for something again. In reality, a 14-year-old girl probably did an elaborate dance-filled impersonation of him and it really hurt his feelings. And once he got all up in his feels, he was most likely blocked from pressing the red button by his security team who are grossly underpaid no matter how much money they make.

Breaking news: there is more to life than politics. I am so sick of political nonsense taking up every bit of my Facebook feed and being the focus on every comment on Twitter. I realize that it is important and that it is also an election year, but there are so many other things that we could be focusing on that are just as important, if not more.

A troll doll that looks like Trump
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Trumps opinion on anything ranks right up there with the opinion of a cat turd. I realize I am opposed by a lot of people by having this opinion, but that bothers me none. I am able to respect others that have different views than me. And other than this article and a few other things on my blog, no one has any clue to my political affiliations. I don’t argue with people over my views or engage in pointless debates that will change no one’s mind in the end.

I am so tired of hearing about Trump and yet here I am talking about him. That’s where his genius lay. Like him or not, I think we can all agree that we are tired of hearing about him, seeing him, and arguing about him. I am damn sure tired of reading his tweets. If you don’t see them on Twitter, you will see them in the news. I don’t know him personally, but he portrays himself to be the most arrogant person I have ever known to exist. How does one get to that level of self-love?

Based on what I can see from talking to family and friends, faith in our government and news sources is at an all time low. I wish there was a law that regulated that the news be given objectively without a political point of view or skewed vision. I also wish there was a law that they throw in some good news every now and then so everybody doesn’t grow up thinking that the world is a complete madhouse.

Why do politics, especially, cause such a division in our country? I don’t remember it being like this when I was growing up. Republicans and Democrats and liberals all mixed together.

Manners indicated you didn’t talk about politics and religion in a group setting. I think we should go back to that time. We need to respect each other’s beliefs. No one has ever changed their mind, that I’m aware of, from being yelled at over the Internet.

Please make it stop.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

The Mansplanation

Mansplaining
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I once asked if water had calories in it. I am not proud of this moment. I was sixteen, but my obvious confusion by the laughter, cleared up immediately once Randy explained it to me. I knew that would happen. I only seem to be able to understand the logistics of something when a man is kind enough to mansplain it. My favorite thing is when they explain the workings of the female reproductive system.

A mansplanation is much like an explanation, but done so in a manner that is easier to understand for us women. You know, because our brains don’t work like men’s do.

One time, I was at the gas station standing there completely flabbergasted about what kind of snack I wanted to eat. Then a helpful gentleman moseyed up behind me, grabbed my hips and said, “Excuse me, little lady. I’m just trying to help you when I tell you that you probably don’t need any chocolate or a cookie. There are bananas for sale upfront at $.89 each.” He winked at me and walked away. So, that is when I got my first felony.

Thousands of mansplanations later, I am a Property Manager of over 185 rental properties which includes having to oversee many different vendors and contractors. Many of which whom are older and maler than I am. Some have no problem getting direction from a woman, but others feel the need to try to argue with me and mansplain everything.

I’ve had them mansplain the way air filters work and where they go, how to reset a garbage disposal, and how to find the cheapest tampons. Yes, they know everything. There is literally no need for us to learn anything.

But without the mansplanation, how would I have learned how to put air in my tires? How would I have learned the price per pound of groceries?

I hope one day to teach my own sons the art of mansplaining. I realize I am not a man, but I’ve experienced it enough to teach it, I believe. I’m sure a man will correct me if I’m wrong in this opinion.

Maybe once society gets this under their belt, we can work on the womansplanation. I’m imagining it to make a lot more sense and to include a lot more logic instead of, “Because I said so.” It might even include graphs and references.


Posted in Humor, Life, parenting

Is Your Child A Hypochondriac?

Is it a bruise or is it a horrible muscle disease treatable with only the blood from slugs
Is Your Child A Hypochondriac
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He was born dramatic. Any little twinge of pain would cause blood curdling screams to erupt from his tiny newborn lips. It didn’t get better as he got older. Instead, the screams got louder and the fury unfathomable. I clung to the hope that maybe he would be a singer or an actor.

Before the hypochondria set in, he was terrified of external items and situations. Trains were the first terrorizing thing for him and he was sure they were all out to get him. No matter where we were at, if he heard a train, he would absolutely go ballistic. He would alternately panic and run off or just fall down in a heap of dead weight determined to go on no further.

Fall, and October specifically, were a disaster for many years due to his certainty that pumpkins were out to get him.

After the trains, it turned to the weather. Any ominous clouds meant that our deaths were imminent. Any weather at all was a tornado. The beach was not a place to vacation, but a hell on earth where hurricanes murdered people daily.

The weather stage seemed like it had no end in sight. Years passed and then, at eight years old, my son was told about WebMD. As you can imagine, this was my worst nightmare. I would come home from work to his pleading to go to the hospital. He had confirmed his worst fear by diagnosing himself with elbow cancer or sickle cell disease. I spent six months trying to convince him that he did not have AIDS.

This child is number three of my four biological children and holds first place for keeping me green at this mothering thing. Every issue or trial that he puts me through is completely new to me and never to be repeated again. It is also a new scenario for my own mother and any other parent that I have ever asked how to deal with his shenanigans.

Fast forward to now. He is a tall, handsome fourteen year old with a slew of friends and a sharp wit. He is confident and popular and shows no signs outwardly of the social skills I was worried about him having. However, he still wrestles with this hypochondria/paranoia. I try to shield him from as much as I can, but he finds ways to listen or watch the news. He alternates now between worrying about what catastrophe will shortly end all of humanity and what ailment that I am not worrying enough about, which will turn fatal any second.

I wish I could end this article with a statement such as, the extract of hummus ended up curing this! Or, his blood was low on orange juice and a quick infusion fixed him right up.

He is still a ball of nerves, but it has gotten better. However, we are both certain that I am dropping the ball on something. I told him that he has plenty of time to figure out specifically how I’ve failed him. He can tell the therapist when he’s older. For now, I will continue to make him safe and loved. He has learned to laugh at himself when he becomes unreasonable and I think that’s as good a place to start as any.