Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, Life, satire, tips

Public Service Announcement



Articles are meant to share information, tips, and opinions. This one is important to my heart. It is a list of the items I think should be made to be common sense knowledge at a minimum.

Teach it in school, teach it at home, blare it from loudspeakers in North Korea, and replace all media ads with it. I don’t anyone to be able to claim ignorance anymore. We are all put on this Earth for a reason and I know what mine is.

Best case scenario, this would become criminal activity. I have about 18 laws I will recommend we take off the books if we can have these in their stead.

Kylie’s Public Service Announcements

1st offense — Warning

2nd offense — Life in prison

Backpack

You, good sir, are not a backpack. So, kindly remove yourself from being one millimeter from me while we are standing in line at the gas station. Standing closer to me won’t get me done with my transaction any faster.

I do not like feeling your breath on my shoulder. “I beg your pardon, Sir. Please remove your breath from my neck and fuck off a few feet back.”

Even with the pandemic and the six feet away rule in place, it does not stop some people. These people are primarily at the gas station and Wal-Mart for some reason.

Holding The Door

Look, I am from Georgia and no one appreciates a gentleman more than us. But if I’m 500 yards away in the gas station parking lot, please do not hold the door for me. I do not want to do an awkward run/walk across the parking lot. Then you will not be standing there holding the door for five minutes straight.

We all appreciate what you’re trying to do. God sees you and we all see you. Just cut it out, though. I am not trying to run.

Hygiene

For god’s sake, please brush your teeth and bathe. Dousing yourself in cologne does not count as bathing.

Some of us can still smell so please have pity. If you are not sure if you smell or not, ask yourself when was the last good scrubbing you had. Or ask a friend or a family member to tell you.

Lady with cardigan with her head bent and hair astray.
Photo by DANNY G on Unsplash

Cardigan

Just because I like to wear a cardigan does not mean I am a librarian. I work on the south side of my town and apparently they equate every white person in a sweater as a librarian. Make no mistake, my street CRED is unparalleled.

Cardigans are amazing. If you are hot, you can take it off. If you are cold, you can put it on. You can buy one in every color to go with every shirt that you own. Stop the hate against cardigans.

And also, calling someone a librarian is not an insult. There’s no shame in being smart or appearing to be smart. I just don’t like the ignorance of cardigan shaming.

Lottery

For the love of all that is holy, please play your damn lottery during working hours. Not right before work starts or right after work ends. We have jobs to get to and don’t have time for you to pick eight number sevens, five number threes, and eight number twos.

And please tell me how the hell you manage to have the money to play the lottery every day when you don’t, apparently, go to work. I’m talking to you, weird creepy guy that hits on me every day at the gas station.

Get a job. The chance of you getting rich is much higher that way. The chance of you scoring at the gas station is much higher that way as well.

A scratch off lotto ticket on a table.
Photo by Emiliano Vittoriosi on Unsplash

Messenger

I have touched on this before. It’s still an issue. Facebook messenger was not invented for the sole purpose of harassing women on the internet. At least I don’t think it was.

Regardless, it is absolutely the most annoying thing that has ever happened. Even though I find some small pleasure in rebutting the advances of said weirdos, I wish they would just stop already.

I’m sure there are women that have used this for that as well, but I have never heard of one in my life or from someone I know. Just last week I had a man asking me to use him financially, no strings attached. Now if I was a younger, dumber version of myself, I might’ve fallen for that.

I’m 41. I know there’s no such thing as no strings attached. So, sorry Buddy, you’ll have to spend your paycheck on yourself or some other lady that believes you will leave her alone and just hand her the money.


These are just some of the most urgent items I must fix as your new leader. I mean, someone should do something about these issues.

So call upon Congress or write me in for the next election. The choice is yours.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire, tips

The Brazilian Bikini Wax That Went Horribly Wrong

Made with Canva – Most Assuredly NOT my legs

My lady bits eerily resembled a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. It was definitely not what I was envisioning when I made the appointment at a local spa to have a full Brazilian bikini wax done.

I was young and newly married. Our oldest daughter was but three or four years old. Our relationship had taken a backseat to my complete and total addiction to my daughter. I felt like an amazing mother, but not a sexual being. I laugh now, because I was no older than twenty-five back then. They aren’t lying when they say youth is wasted on the young. I don’t know who “they” are, but they’re right.

So, I was feeling unattractive with my flat stomach and beautiful skin. I can tell you that 40-year-old me really hates that bitch. Anyway, I made an appointment to go get a Brazilian wax. I thought maybe if I was as smooth as a glass ball, I would stimulate some activity in the bedroom or some desire anyway.

I made an appointment with a local salon that was locally renowned for its excellence which was also reflected in the prices.

I showed up for my appointment appropriately dressed, groomed, and medicated as per my phone instructions. Please note what I’m saying here. I did what I was supposed to do.

My waxing specialist exited. She looked to be no more than 16, but said she was 19. That did not inspire me with confidence in her experience level. But being raised with manners in the south, I overlooked the lack of experience and decided to have faith in her abilities. The first lesson I learned was to always listen to that little warning bell in my head.

In my birthday suit basically, I was maneuvered into the most awkward positions available to the imagination. All the while trying to maintain small talk while someone ripped the hair off of my privates. With wax that was not hot enough. I mentioned a few times that the wax did not seem to be warm, but she seemed to be unconcerned.

When I tell you that I was in agony, I am not exaggerating. This little sadistic heifer used cold wax on my taint. I would’ve stood most of it, but when she got to the little man in the boat, aka my clitoris, I jumped up off the table like my life was at stake.

Still clinging to my manners, I said, “You’ve done a great job, but I think I’m good now. We will just leave that there.”

I high tailed it out of there and went home to sit on a bag of ice. Three days later, my vagina still looked like a cantaloupe with a Hitler mustache. I never had this procedure done again. I was very proud of myself for not yelling out Kelly Clarkson’s name during the painful parts.

Moral of the story is, don’t do a Brazilian. Or if you do, just do it yourself. With a hedge trimmer. Or a flamethrower.


Posted in Humor, Life

My Journey To Cure Premature Laughter

Premature laughter is no laughing matter
Canva

There are literally millions of people in the world that think they are funny when they are not. They are enabled by the pity laugh. There are also thousands of people who are kind of funny in a weird way. Then there are thirty-six of us who are really funny. We have super-advanced, almost supernaturally advanced if you will, senses of humor and we can detect sarcasm up to 18 miles away by scent alone. It is an extremely elite club that I am proud to be not only a member of but also the president and founder of.

The least funny person of our elite members-only group is a gal named Brenda. We have an almost imperceptible, but really visible, rivalry with each other. I think she’s really jealous of the fact that not only am I funny, but I’m not really fucking dumb either. She keeps on saying that I have an issue with her Birkenstocks and I don’t. I do not give a shit what kind of shoes she wears or who she sleeps with at night. At the end of the day, it really boils down to the fact that she is a level two funny and a level nine passive-aggressive. Her afflictions are numerous and her laugh is atrocious. But, beyond that, she’s a great person.

I, myself, take pride in the fact that I am a level 10 funny and also level 10.5 aggressive. No, I didn’t spell that twice. I’m so aggressive, they gave me an extra half-point above the limit. To put it in a perspective that you peasants can understand, it would be kind of like having an A-type personality but much harder than that.

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone either fake laughs or laughs earlier than your punch line. They are placating you. Or they’re trying to hide the fact that they are one of the 10% of the population born with no sense of humor. Most of those people all live in Ohio by the way. Much like chimpanzees can mimic humans, those born without a sense of humor learn to mimic those that do. This is so they aren’t killed off since they are technically a weaker species, being born without humor. They wouldn’t know funny if it came up and hit them in the face.

Like all great comedic geniuses, I would rather hear the sweet, sweet sound of silence than the grating guffaw of a fake laugh.

So you might not be in the majority, who KNOWS this affliction is worse than premature ejaculation, but I am.

Don’t laugh at a joke if you do not find it funny. You are just instigating more bad jokes. Isn’t the world bad enough as it is?


Posted in Humor, Life, Social Media, tips

Do You Want To Stop Someone’s Whining On Facebook?

Stop Facebook Whining
Made with Canva

Her posts were filled with self-pity, memes reflecting the character of strong women, pleas to the ones that got away, and cringe worthy desperation. — Kylie

I speak for the nation when I say, “Please stop your incessant whining on Facebook. We also don’t want to see a picture of your tears, your empty bed, or your cleavage.”

I can’t unfriend her or look away, try as I might. Might someone be more cringeworthy than me? Suddenly my obviously finding myself hysterical didn’t seem so bad to this odd mix of self-pity, love of her own eyes, and selfies. Her beautiful children would be featured every now and then, but normally were overshadowed by her fixation on finding her true love.

I have never wanted to bitch slap somebody more in my entire life. Then I realized, how was I doing anything but hurting her by continuing to watch this without saying something? I was being a mean girl, and that is not who I am.

So, I called her. I told her how she was coming across and she genuinely seem to not realize that. She admitted to wondering why she lost so many friends online recently. It made an immediate difference in her online persona.

So, instead of talking about her behind her back consistently, I went to her directly with the issue. Now, she’s in a better place and, unfortunately, I’m out of dramatics to watch unfold on Facebook. My husband is being a shit right now so maybe people are watching me and my passive aggressive posts and talking shit.

I just hope that is not my entire fifteen minutes of fame.I’m sure I will humiliate myself for another 15 minutes of fame somewhere along this road of life I travel.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

My Life: The Musical

My Life The Musical
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The Greatest Showman came uncomfortably close to replacing the Grease soundtrack as my favorite musical soundtrack.

Grease had been the only musical I had ever loved for as far back as I could remember. After being forced to go watch The Greatest Showman, I ran out and bought the first CD I had bought in over five years. Then, I went back to watch the movie again. It happened that quickly and I was addicted.

One night after my fifth viewing of the movie, feeling good, I decided to jot down what would be the soundtrack to my life.

Dancers
Unsplash

I have written the playlist here for your amusement and/or sympathy. I hope at least one would be performed by Hugh Jackman because, let’s face it, who knew he could sing like that. But, I’m not one to be unrealistic, so I have added other singers as well.

What The F*&k Is This? Song performed by Hugh Jackman with confused and erratic dancing by Sunny Heights Retirement Village

That Escalated Quickly! Song performed by Will Ferrell with John O’Reilly on drums.

It’s Not Me, It’s You – performed by Justin Bieber dressed in his famous denim/ramen combo. The song covers years 16 through 23.

I Got This! I Don’t Need Child Support— sung to a beautiful gospel hymn, the head matriarch of the Duggar family leads the song in this one.

Somebody Hold Me Back! — As performed by Mike Tyson. Some of it is kind of hard to understand, but that runs along with the theme of my life perfectly.

Things Have To Get Better— performed by the rapper known as Ludacris

Things Have To Get Better (volumes two through ten)many rappers from Eminem to R. Kelly but not the prism version.

Why Does God Pick On Me? — Performed by Morgan Freeman


Now, that I have written down my soundtrack, I only have to write the songs, get the talent, and record the album. Piece of cake.

I hope that one day I will be able to put my life story on the silver screen for the public’s consumption and enjoyment. I know it will be a while because we don’t have the capabilities to use special effects to that level of difficulty. And I’m not sure that the public is ready for a tragedy of that nature at this point. Also, whoever played me might get depressed and would definitely get injured on a near constant basis.

Keep your eyes on me, though. One day you might know my name for me, aka this Kylie), instead of a makeup Queen related to someone that hasn’t done anything but make a sex tape.


Posted in Trump

Breaking News: Trump Hates TikTok

Orinially posted on August 21, 2020 on Medium

Canva

I woke up this morning and checked my news app like I always do expecting fully to see some more statistics regarding the virus. However to my dismay, the fact that Trump is banning TikTok took cover. Why in the world does he have it out for TickTock? We have 1 million other things ruining our society that he could be focused on.

Not only that, but someone should ban him from Twitter. His PR person is terrible. His tweets alone are reason enough to not like him. And that’s discounting the actual terrible acts he performs in real life. And his misogyny.

I don’t know the exact reasoning behind his TikTok ban other than he’s blaming China for something again. In reality, a 14-year-old girl probably did an elaborate dance-filled impersonation of him and it really hurt his feelings. And once he got all up in his feels, he was most likely blocked from pressing the red button by his security team who are grossly underpaid no matter how much money they make.

Breaking news: there is more to life than politics. I am so sick of political nonsense taking up every bit of my Facebook feed and being the focus on every comment on Twitter. I realize that it is important and that it is also an election year, but there are so many other things that we could be focusing on that are just as important, if not more.

A troll doll that looks like Trump
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Trumps opinion on anything ranks right up there with the opinion of a cat turd. I realize I am opposed by a lot of people by having this opinion, but that bothers me none. I am able to respect others that have different views than me. And other than this article and a few other things on my blog, no one has any clue to my political affiliations. I don’t argue with people over my views or engage in pointless debates that will change no one’s mind in the end.

I am so tired of hearing about Trump and yet here I am talking about him. That’s where his genius lay. Like him or not, I think we can all agree that we are tired of hearing about him, seeing him, and arguing about him. I am damn sure tired of reading his tweets. If you don’t see them on Twitter, you will see them in the news. I don’t know him personally, but he portrays himself to be the most arrogant person I have ever known to exist. How does one get to that level of self-love?

Based on what I can see from talking to family and friends, faith in our government and news sources is at an all time low. I wish there was a law that regulated that the news be given objectively without a political point of view or skewed vision. I also wish there was a law that they throw in some good news every now and then so everybody doesn’t grow up thinking that the world is a complete madhouse.

Why do politics, especially, cause such a division in our country? I don’t remember it being like this when I was growing up. Republicans and Democrats and liberals all mixed together.

Manners indicated you didn’t talk about politics and religion in a group setting. I think we should go back to that time. We need to respect each other’s beliefs. No one has ever changed their mind, that I’m aware of, from being yelled at over the Internet.

Please make it stop.