Posted in animals, Humor, Life

What The F**k Is Happening?

Questions I need the answers to

What is happening? Eight Questions Nobody Is Asking

The older I get, the more confused I get. What the f@@k is happening? Is the world going to shit? Or am I old enough now to start to notice what has always been visible to everyone else?

I get confused by the hatred that is generated by adults. I get confused by violence and hate and racism and misogyny. I get confused and angry about animal abuse and elder abuse and child abuse. But, I think these are things we all get confused and angry about. We all should anyways.

This article is about some other things I have been confused about recently. These things probably aren’t what most of you normal people even think about. I just assumed normal people thought about cream of wheat and Jeopardy. And the weather, obviously.

But, if I have pondered about these odd things, I know at least one other person has as well. I can’t be the only one noticing these things. If I’m not though, why is nobody talking about this?

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Juja Han Via Unsplash

Foot fetishes: What in the ever loving f&@k?

What happened during these peoples formative years to make them turn out like this? At what point did they decide a foot was a sexualized object? Beyond that, do they fantasize about marrying a foot? Do they want to date the foot? Or is it just another thing to assault with a penis?

And what part of the foot is it that is sexy? The hammertoes with the toe jam. Or the crusty ass heels. I am just saying that I have seen some nasty feet and I have no desire to ever get sexual with a foot.

Do they want a clean foot? Or do they want one that smells like feet? How does one make love to a foot? No, I don’t want to look and watch a video. I want someone to tell me. I’ll be less traumatized that way.

Where did roly polys go?

When I was a kid they were everywhere, chilling with their pals the earthworms. Why is nobody talking about this? They are both GONE.

Please bring back the roly poly.

My roly poly was the only pet I had for the first 11 years of my life. Besides the pet rock, but I don’t count that anymore.

I think he probably died every day and my mom just got me a new one from out in the yard. Because he was always on the counter only at 4 o’clock until my bedtime.

Did I really not have any pet? Was that the most genius get my kid a pet move in the history of parenting? I don’t wanna know if that was a different Roly Poly every day. Because I loved one roly-poly whose name was Ronald.

And yes, I named him after the greatest leader this country has ever seen. The clown that runs McDonald’s.

Reagan was the greatest President

I really named my Ronald after the greatest president of all time, Ronald Reagan. I don’t normally like to talk about politics, but I am completely flabbergasted that we have elected this person to run our country.

I think we all can agree that it worked out once having a movie star as a president but, after this latest debacle, I think we should make a rule that anybody in the entertainment industry cannot be president.

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Unsplash

What happened to long distance and collect calling?

I miss calling people collect. It would be cool if we were notified when we did something that it would be the last time we would ever do it. I didn’t know the last time I played outside it would be the last time.

I didn’t know the last time my son got in bed to watch a movie with me it would be the last time. I didn’t know when I talked to my father it would be the last time.

I’m gonna need somebody to start giving us some warning.

I definitely would have ran some charges up if I had known the last time I was making a collect call. I would’ve made it count.

Why is it good to keep your enemies closer than your friends?

Wouldn’t you get them confused? I don’t want my friends and my enemies all willy-nilly together. They would just all blend together eventually.

I like to keep my enemies strictly over there with the assholes. By over there I mean in a corner or a ditch. Just kidding. I’m a super nice person.

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Photo by Claudio Swartz via Unsplash

Why would you want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster?

My mom used to say this all the time and I still don’t understand what in the hell it means.

Why would you shit in one hand and see if it filled up faster if you wanted in the other hand? That doesn’t even make any sense.

However, my mama is not the type of mama you can argue with or even ask what something means. All of that is considered backtalk and is punishable by an ass whooping.

So if I asked for something and she didn’t wanna give it to me she would just tell me that saying that made no sense at all.

I vowed I would never do that to my kids. That was the first of many lies I would tell myself.



Calling All Plant Parents

Posted in Humor, Life, parenting

Mistakes In The Morning Can Affect The Entire Day

Jump aboard the hot mess express

A beautiful morning in a field before any mistakes ruin the entire day.
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I have failed at being a morning person. It’s one of many things I’ve failed at. But, alas, we only have time for one today.

I have tried many times in many different ways to restructure my life. I want to be a morning person! I just can’t succeed at this one simple goal. Hell, I’ve been trying for 10 years. Now I’m old and it should just come naturally, but it doesn’t.

I have tried replacing habits. I have tried going to bed earlier. I have tried snoozing my alarm. I have tried getting up on the first alarm. I have tried an alarm clock that makes you do a math equation in order to shut the alarm off. My husband almost divorced me.

Failure is what I’m good at when it comes to mornings. It’s not just waking up that does me in. It’s dressing. It’s eating breakfast. It’s functioning in general. The main issue is just staying awake.

I do think I have narcolepsy, but my doctor won’t let me diagnose myself. He seems to disagree, although I’ve never been tested to my knowledge.

I have been an unintentional clusterfuck my whole life. Drama, tragedy, and stuff straight from a B movie will find its way to me even if I don’t leave my house. Even so, I can fix all that. Usually. Or time will fix it eventually.

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Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

My schedule is as follows. My first alarm goes off at 6:30 am. I hit snooze. I repeat this five or more times despite my intentions. At 7:05, my husband’s alarm goes off. I sit up and yell, “F**k!”

I rush around the room and trip multiple times while dressing. I run out the door 15 minutes late and make it to work five minutes late everyday without makeup. All my kids are late to school.

How do you fix a bad habit when it’s ingrained in you? This is not one of those articles where I tell you how I fixed my life at the end.

I genuinely can’t fix this about myself. Any tips or ideas would be appreciated even if I’ve probably already tried them all.


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