Posted in Humor, Life, satire

My Life: The Musical

My Life The Musical
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The Greatest Showman came uncomfortably close to replacing the Grease soundtrack as my favorite musical soundtrack.

Grease had been the only musical I had ever loved for as far back as I could remember. After being forced to go watch The Greatest Showman, I ran out and bought the first CD I had bought in over five years. Then, I went back to watch the movie again. It happened that quickly and I was addicted.

One night after my fifth viewing of the movie, feeling good, I decided to jot down what would be the soundtrack to my life.

Dancers
Unsplash

I have written the playlist here for your amusement and/or sympathy. I hope at least one would be performed by Hugh Jackman because, let’s face it, who knew he could sing like that. But, I’m not one to be unrealistic, so I have added other singers as well.

What The F*&k Is This? Song performed by Hugh Jackman with confused and erratic dancing by Sunny Heights Retirement Village

That Escalated Quickly! Song performed by Will Ferrell with John O’Reilly on drums.

It’s Not Me, It’s You – performed by Justin Bieber dressed in his famous denim/ramen combo. The song covers years 16 through 23.

I Got This! I Don’t Need Child Support— sung to a beautiful gospel hymn, the head matriarch of the Duggar family leads the song in this one.

Somebody Hold Me Back! — As performed by Mike Tyson. Some of it is kind of hard to understand, but that runs along with the theme of my life perfectly.

Things Have To Get Better— performed by the rapper known as Ludacris

Things Have To Get Better (volumes two through ten)many rappers from Eminem to R. Kelly but not the prism version.

Why Does God Pick On Me? — Performed by Morgan Freeman


Now, that I have written down my soundtrack, I only have to write the songs, get the talent, and record the album. Piece of cake.

I hope that one day I will be able to put my life story on the silver screen for the public’s consumption and enjoyment. I know it will be a while because we don’t have the capabilities to use special effects to that level of difficulty. And I’m not sure that the public is ready for a tragedy of that nature at this point. Also, whoever played me might get depressed and would definitely get injured on a near constant basis.

Keep your eyes on me, though. One day you might know my name for me, aka this Kylie), instead of a makeup Queen related to someone that hasn’t done anything but make a sex tape.


Posted in Humor, Life, satire

The Mansplanation

Mansplaining
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I once asked if water had calories in it. I am not proud of this moment. I was sixteen, but my obvious confusion by the laughter, cleared up immediately once Randy explained it to me. I knew that would happen. I only seem to be able to understand the logistics of something when a man is kind enough to mansplain it. My favorite thing is when they explain the workings of the female reproductive system.

A mansplanation is much like an explanation, but done so in a manner that is easier to understand for us women. You know, because our brains don’t work like men’s do.

One time, I was at the gas station standing there completely flabbergasted about what kind of snack I wanted to eat. Then a helpful gentleman moseyed up behind me, grabbed my hips and said, “Excuse me, little lady. I’m just trying to help you when I tell you that you probably don’t need any chocolate or a cookie. There are bananas for sale upfront at $.89 each.” He winked at me and walked away. So, that is when I got my first felony.

Thousands of mansplanations later, I am a Property Manager of over 185 rental properties which includes having to oversee many different vendors and contractors. Many of which whom are older and maler than I am. Some have no problem getting direction from a woman, but others feel the need to try to argue with me and mansplain everything.

I’ve had them mansplain the way air filters work and where they go, how to reset a garbage disposal, and how to find the cheapest tampons. Yes, they know everything. There is literally no need for us to learn anything.

But without the mansplanation, how would I have learned how to put air in my tires? How would I have learned the price per pound of groceries?

I hope one day to teach my own sons the art of mansplaining. I realize I am not a man, but I’ve experienced it enough to teach it, I believe. I’m sure a man will correct me if I’m wrong in this opinion.

Maybe once society gets this under their belt, we can work on the womansplanation. I’m imagining it to make a lot more sense and to include a lot more logic instead of, “Because I said so.” It might even include graphs and references.


Posted in Humor

The Tween Daughter And The Chamber Of Chocolate

Literally overnight, I lost my child. Her love and affection seemed suddenly and completely lost to me forever. She went to bed a sweet, loving child of ten and woke up with a period and an attitude problem. I don’t want to trivialize this. It was not just an attitude. It was awful. I was not prepared for this.

My oldest daughter didn’t menstruate until she was thirteen, just like me. I blame my youngest’s excessive diet of chicken nuggets. Silently, nature declared defeat in the battle against my nurturing.

Suddenly, smiling was only for losers. And I was Queen of the loser club, gathering recruits everywhere I went. Everything that anyone in our household did or said quickly annoyed her to no end. I tried to not get offended by her sudden spurning of me, but my heart ached for the child I knew was now gone.

I called my mother one evening and was whining to her like I tend to do on most days. I told her I didn’t remember ever having an attitude like this or having hormonal rages. She scoffed and reminded me of how I treated her real quick. She also reminded me how I cried and literally stomped my feet at fourteen after being told I had eaten enough chocolate for the night. I locked myself in the bathroom for four hours after not getting tickets to the NKOTB concert, clearing delighting my parents with a break from me.

I have come to accept this inevitable change, but every now and then, I get a glimpse of my baby girl. Even so, I know the monster is just sleeping. I also know, as the mother of a grown daughter, that she will come back to me one day.

She will suddenly find herself calling me every day and missing the things she hates about me now. That is what is keeping me from despair.

I also know that by focusing on the growing pains, I am unable to see the masterpiece that is forming right in front of me. Through this suffering, a vibrant and brilliant woman will rise up ready to change the world.

In the meantime, I still have my dogs.

Posted in Humor

Was COVID Sent Here By Carol Baskin?

Her fire, faux innocence, and obsession with cats was obsessively terrifying. We hung on as a nation to see what dumb stunt would happen next on the Netflix series. We were so transfixed that we couldn’t see it was a distraction from the virus being sprayed on us all. I think I remember hearing the planes that did it.

I know. It sounds like a stretch, but at this point, after this year, anything could have happened. Anything sounds more logical than one guy eating a bat in China that caused the whole world to get sick.

I have decided that Carol Baskin was involved. And, just like any great politician, I will stand by my theory, no matter what any doctor from the CDC says

The Warning Signs

If you watch just the first episode you can see she is clearly fighting for world domination. Now that the Tiger King is out of the way, it is only logical that she would try to take down the rest of us. She won’t stop until it is just her and the cats! Ignoring her blatant mental illness, you can see the crazy anger in her eyes as she sits with a Persian cat and wears a sweater with a cat knitted on it. She thinks of herself as a cat. When I was young, I wanted to be a red crayon, but I let that shit go, Carol! I’m an adult. I know I can’t be a red crayon

Ignore this at your own risk. I tried to warn you. She may look like a harmless, deranged aunt from Ohio, but she is not to be underestimated

Proof

Guess who doesn’t have COVID?

Cats. *drops mic and walks away*

Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, tips

Genius Ideas Shot Down

Talk first, think later. I have always had this habit and it has gotten me into trouble more times than I care to admit. I’ve been called bold, brazen, and unfiltered when in reality, I am just missing the part of the brain that makes one give two shits about the opinions of others. I also believe creativity is at its best when it is uncensored. I realize the reader may not believe that but, reminder, I am the one writing this article.

I have many unappreciated talents which include mockery, random statistic formulations, extreme sarcasm, and the uncanny ability to say anything with enough confidence and a straight face cool enough to get anyone to believe anything. I am also great at twisting or making up quotes to suit my current agenda. Basically, what I’m saying is I should definitely be President.

I think of myself as being somewhat creative and a self-diagnosed genius, so I am constantly on the lookout for new marketing strategies for my work and my blog. In addition to writing a blog, I am writing a novel and an e-book. This is after I get done with my day jobs which include managing over one hundred and eighty rental properties, listing houses, financial consulting, and credit repair.

I am also a mother to six children, two dogs, two birds, and a turtle. Mosaic making is a hobby of mine I plan to dominate when I’m done with that one guy who writes on Medium.

I won’t lie. I’ve had more great ideas that got shot down than approved by the powers that be. Apparently, risk takers are not appreciated by everyone. Luckily, I believe in myself enough for all of us. I’m not at Trump level, but close.

A Hard No Is Like a Regular No, but Harder

Picture an online advertisement for my credit repair services. The quote I suggested was, “Your face is not the only thing that needs filtering. See Kylie about giving your credit a new look too!” You see the image of someone that is truly terrible looking, but could be fixed with some filtering or plastic surgery. That was a hard no from my broker. It was one of many over the years

Imagine calling somewhere to conduct business or to make an appointment and being put on hold. Instead of hearing the soothing sounds of soft jazz, you are pleasantly surprised with the motivational sounds of hardcore rap encouraging you to be the best murdering drug dealer you can be. This was also a hard no. We are missing an entire demographic here!

A frowning rapper with an attitude problem.
Photo by Aneesh Mandava on Unsplash

Trying to sell metal detectors with the new name of Corona Detector. My husband did not approve and neither did the people I pitched it on in the elevator that day.

I have a tenant whose first name is General. I thought this was one of the most unbelievably genius names I have ever heard. I immediately approached my husband about getting my first name changed to Doctor. Just as fast, I was once again shut down.

These are just a few of the millions of unbelievably amazing ideas I have had throughout the years. I’m not resentful, but I can’t believe my ideas were trashed when a man made millions of dollars by inventing a pool noodle.

Risk Taking

We have become ingrained in our over-sensitive, politically correct culture and I don’t like it one bit. You have to do something different if you want to be different. The definition of insanity — according to Einstein in one article and definitely not him according to some others — is to do the same thing over and over but expect a different result.

I always tell this to my friends who get in relationships constantly with the same types of crappy men. Think outside of the box. Try something different. It may be the best thing you ever did.

Optimism still seeps out of me alongside every great idea and I just know my time to shine is coming soon.

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Posted in Humor

Doomsday Prepping 101: Post COVID Disaster Tips

The COVID-19, also know as the Coronavirus, pandemic will not be forgotten by any of us any time soon. It has wrecked havoc on my life from getting my wedding venue and honeymoon cancelled the day before my wedding to ruining my son’s baseball career. That was just the beginning of the nightmare we were all about to endure. A nightmare that seems to have no ending in sight.

I will be the first to admit that I used to tease and make fun of the zombie apocalypse, end of the world obsessed people. They would all watch that violent show on AMC and then really believe that stuff would happen. Not only that, but, they believed it would happen soon. I also spared no ridicule for the doomsday preppers with their bunkers and massive collections of canned goods. I’m not laughing anymore.

I took a good and hard look at myself during this virus and found myself to be seriously lacking. My survival skills, on a scale from one to ten, were at a negative twenty. I had no stores of canned goods or bottled water. And, even worse, I had never even thought about toilet paper being the first essential item to all but disappear. I was totally unprepared. That will not be me the next time this happens.

I will be locked, loaded, and ready from now on.

The TP

When shit hit the fan, I was not surprised to see evidence of hoarding start to happen. Much like when southerners see a snowflake, the supermarkets started getting low on certain items, mainly milk and bread. That was normal. This time, instead of bread and milk, the people panicked and bought all available toilet paper. This was not normal.

Months later, I am still confused by this. I bought bottled water and canned food. My butt was the last thing on my mind at the time. You can’t eat toilet paper for survival, but you can wipe your butt across the yard.

A lesson was learned this year. During these last few months of chaos, I have had to borrow toilet paper and, once, had to drive two hours to my brother’s house to find some. I will never let my toilet paper supply dwindle down again.

Reading

There have been a few good things to come out of all of this. I have always been a book hoarder, both paper and digital, but now I can hoard them with no backtalk from my husband! He now understands we might need these to fully educate all of our offspring in the future. I hope they like Stephen King and Ken Follett.

I might be taking advantage of this situation a little, but he has also stockpiled a few unnecessary items. Nobody needs that many tree stands.

Alcohol

This might not seem essential to some. Tell me that after trying to homeschool six kids and work a full time job. Retraction: Tell me that after trying to homeschool MY six kids and work MY full time job. I will make sure plenty of wine is on hand from now on, no matter what. I will use whatever methods I can find to prevent being defeated by my life. If I have to learn how to make my own shine myself deep in the woods somewhere, then so be it. My grandfather did it and he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Probably because of his moonshine.

Tip: some types of alcohol can also be used to make hand sanitizer supposedly.

Back to the homeschooling debacle. I can not begin to describe the trauma this home schooling stunt has caused me or the learning disabilities it has caused my kids. School is on track to reopen very soon here and I have never been more terrified to send my kids back there. It feels like I’m sending them straight to COVID.

I am leaning towards making them stay home. I would rather have them dumb, but alive. Of course, they want to go back to school and life as normal as soon as they possibly can, so I have not discussed this with them yet. I keep hoping the schools will delay things a little longer.

Gardening

I started gardening after all of this in preparation for the next global pandemic or food shortage caused by fear mongering. I know now that I need to know more survival, cooking, and gardening skills if I expect to survive the hunger games.

However, if we should actually ever drop down to a short supply of food, my husband is an expert hunter and fisherman. For those of you that are not so lucky, I would recommend starting a garden or considering taking a course on how to loot. You can just go back and watch some old episodes of CNN for the looting lesson. I wouldn’t recommend coming to my house, though.

As I work on myself and the new life that has suddenly become mine, I try to be optimistic and positive outwardly. Inside, I am patiently waiting for my life to get back to normal. Deep down, I think we all will be learning a new normal. Life from before is over.