Posted in Humor

Doomsday Prepping 101: Post COVID Disaster Tips

The COVID-19, also know as the Coronavirus, pandemic will not be forgotten by any of us any time soon. It has wrecked havoc on my life from getting my wedding venue and honeymoon cancelled the day before my wedding to ruining my son’s baseball career. That was just the beginning of the nightmare we were all about to endure. A nightmare that seems to have no ending in sight.

I will be the first to admit that I used to tease and make fun of the zombie apocalypse, end of the world obsessed people. They would all watch that violent show on AMC and then really believe that stuff would happen. Not only that, but, they believed it would happen soon. I also spared no ridicule for the doomsday preppers with their bunkers and massive collections of canned goods. I’m not laughing anymore.

I took a good and hard look at myself during this virus and found myself to be seriously lacking. My survival skills, on a scale from one to ten, were at a negative twenty. I had no stores of canned goods or bottled water. And, even worse, I had never even thought about toilet paper being the first essential item to all but disappear. I was totally unprepared. That will not be me the next time this happens.

I will be locked, loaded, and ready from now on.

The TP

When shit hit the fan, I was not surprised to see evidence of hoarding start to happen. Much like when southerners see a snowflake, the supermarkets started getting low on certain items, mainly milk and bread. That was normal. This time, instead of bread and milk, the people panicked and bought all available toilet paper. This was not normal.

Months later, I am still confused by this. I bought bottled water and canned food. My butt was the last thing on my mind at the time. You can’t eat toilet paper for survival, but you can wipe your butt across the yard.

A lesson was learned this year. During these last few months of chaos, I have had to borrow toilet paper and, once, had to drive two hours to my brother’s house to find some. I will never let my toilet paper supply dwindle down again.

Reading

There have been a few good things to come out of all of this. I have always been a book hoarder, both paper and digital, but now I can hoard them with no backtalk from my husband! He now understands we might need these to fully educate all of our offspring in the future. I hope they like Stephen King and Ken Follett.

I might be taking advantage of this situation a little, but he has also stockpiled a few unnecessary items. Nobody needs that many tree stands.

Alcohol

This might not seem essential to some. Tell me that after trying to homeschool six kids and work a full time job. Retraction: Tell me that after trying to homeschool MY six kids and work MY full time job. I will make sure plenty of wine is on hand from now on, no matter what. I will use whatever methods I can find to prevent being defeated by my life. If I have to learn how to make my own shine myself deep in the woods somewhere, then so be it. My grandfather did it and he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Probably because of his moonshine.

Tip: some types of alcohol can also be used to make hand sanitizer supposedly.

Back to the homeschooling debacle. I can not begin to describe the trauma this home schooling stunt has caused me or the learning disabilities it has caused my kids. School is on track to reopen very soon here and I have never been more terrified to send my kids back there. It feels like I’m sending them straight to COVID.

I am leaning towards making them stay home. I would rather have them dumb, but alive. Of course, they want to go back to school and life as normal as soon as they possibly can, so I have not discussed this with them yet. I keep hoping the schools will delay things a little longer.

Gardening

I started gardening after all of this in preparation for the next global pandemic or food shortage caused by fear mongering. I know now that I need to know more survival, cooking, and gardening skills if I expect to survive the hunger games.

However, if we should actually ever drop down to a short supply of food, my husband is an expert hunter and fisherman. For those of you that are not so lucky, I would recommend starting a garden or considering taking a course on how to loot. You can just go back and watch some old episodes of CNN for the looting lesson. I wouldn’t recommend coming to my house, though.

As I work on myself and the new life that has suddenly become mine, I try to be optimistic and positive outwardly. Inside, I am patiently waiting for my life to get back to normal. Deep down, I think we all will be learning a new normal. Life from before is over.

Posted in Humor

If I Ran The DMV

If I Ran The DMV

In my latest episode of How I Could Run Things Better Than You Do, I am focusing on the always hated, never anticipated visit to the DMV. We all dread the five year visit. Because we know we won’t have all the paperwork they require and will have to come back for the next three days in a row until we finally get someone that accepts any of the 40 proofs of identity you have brought along.

The first thing I would do is a complete overhaul of staffing. Anyone that hadn’t smiled in the last five years would be hitting the road. New hires would be trained by the local Chick-Fil-A manager. Rudeness would never seethe through their pores and apathy would be instinct in this branch. You would be greeted with a smile and offered a coffee and a biscuit immediately upon your arrival.

While employee training was in effect, I would start working on the mandated changes, by me, to the design and aesthetic of the interior. Instead of going with an industrial steel gray, I would go with soft lighting and the calm colors of nature. When people get mad that they have to come back with 97 more documents, it won’t be a violent confrontation because they will be relaxed and soothed from their experience in our environment. Getting anything done would still be an act of Congress because I can’t overhaul the location, the experience, and the government all at one time.

The interior would be sparkling clean and smell fresh, unlike its normal odor of pork rinds and grapefruit juice. There would be cleaning and sanitation of the entire location done on a daily basis, so contracting chlamydia from a chair would stop being a fear for a visitor.

We will make organ donation and blood donation mandatory to get a driver’s license. Pictures must be updated every two years. Let’s face it, a lot can happen in five or ten years, causing us to look like totally different people. That is a lot of donut eating days that have gone by in the timeframe.

Fifty three customer service windows will be available in order to service customers quickly. Our average wait time would be three minutes, which would be just long enough to drink your soda and pet the puppies. We would keep puppies from the pound there during business hours to facilitate adoptions.

Once the customer was done with customer service, they would be personally escorted out and given a gift basket from Bath and Body Works to make up for the inconvenience of missing twenty minutes of work.

As usual, I have broken down how to run an establishment that has needed an overhaul since its inception in 1584. Be on the lookout soon, for my upcoming article on how I would be a much better President of the United States.

Posted in Humor

Childhood Dreams That Won’t Die

As a child, none of my dreams included anything having to do with money. This is because, at the time, I had no idea what it was like to be broke as hell. Now, many years later, I have included money in my dreams and goals for the future. I am also still clinging on to a few dreams from my childhood. I tend to have really immature grown-up goals as well. I am aware that at my age, I’m supposed to be dreaming of cross-stitch, knick knacks, and IRAs. Or maybe gardening and bingo.

An image of fresh beets.
Photo by Melissa LeGette on Unsplash

Dwight Schrute

I would give absolutely anything to have my own personal version of Dwight Schrute working along side of me at my office so I could mess with him continually for my own pleasure. If that happened, I would be so excited to go to work every morning. As it stands, my current co-workers do not enjoy me messing with them and get offended. Nobody at my place of employment has obsessions with swords or beets.

Obviously I didn’t watch the office when I was a child, but I am including this dream of mine because it is clearly a ridiculous thing to want so badly as an adult.

The coolest phone that ever existed

When I was 13, I was the only one of my friends that didn’t have that super awesome phone that was shaped like a pair of lips with red lipstick. I’m not gonna lie, this is still on my bucket list even though I don’t even have a landline. I will get on just to meet this goal.

Actually, I would rather install this bad boy in my office so I could show it off more. It would let everyone that entered my office know that I had arrived.

A handful of gold coins laid out on the phone.
Photo by Syed Hussaini on Unsplash

Gold

When I was younger, I used to watch Duck Tales every Saturday. This habit caused me to desire the riches of owning a treasure chest full of gold. Even though I am proud of my accomplishments and successes, I don’t feel like I will have ever made it in life unless I have one of these in my living room. I also associate sugar cubes with financial success. Once I’m rich, I will only take cubes in my coffee. Loose sugar is for chumps.

If I do ever become rich, look out. I will be one of those eccentric rich old people that spend their money on charities and huge statues. I will buy billboards just to say snarky things along the interstate. I will use my money to do good things and also to amuse myself. I will also buy an ascot immediately.

Roger Rabbit

I used to love this movie. Actually, I still love this movie. I was also and still am jealous of Jessica rabbit. I am quite aware that this is a cartoon character, but dang she is hot and I wish I looked like her.

Will Ferrell

Don’t tell my husband, but I really feel like Will Ferrell is my soul’s twin. I feel like he is the only one that would totally understand my sense of humor. It is absolutely my second biggest goal in life to meet him and hang out with him for an evening or forever, whatever happens.

Knowing me, though, I would freeze up and act like a huge nerd instead of the hugely entertaining person I normally am, according to people that I pay.

My first goal is obviously for my children to grow up healthy, happy, and successful. But mainly happy.

An open book laid on a bed with lights in it.
Photo by Nong Vang on Unsplash

The book

I have always read a lot. I started reading when I was very young, around age 4, and quickly fell in love with it and have never stopped. Please note, according to my mom, this does not make me a genius.

As a child, I loved the escapism that books provided me. As an adult whose daily life is sometimes saturated in bulls&*t, I still think it would be the coolest thing in the world to find a book like that boy did in The Neverending Story. I could come home after a long day of jerkwads, pick up the magic book, and actually be transported to that world for a little while. With my luck, I would get trapped in The Shining or something like that.

Translator

This is actually a semi-mature and recent dream of mine, but my life would be so much easier if someone would teach my map and translation apps how to understand a southern accent. I am so tired of talking into my phone and having none of it be understood. If I am that hard to understand, then how come everybody can understand me in real life. Answer me that Siri?


At the end of the day, I think I am still an overactive twelve year old stuck in this 41 year old body. I guess the kid in me just doesn’t want to grow up.

I’m fine with that. I’d rather be a little, or a lot, immature than boring as hell.

Posted in Humor

Loving Yourself Even Though You’re A Little Bitch

What is self love exactly? I hear about it on the near constant basis, but I’m not sure how you cannot love or at least tolerate yourself as you are stuck with you forever. I will be the first to admit that I get on my damn nerves sometimes. I can be very annoying and aggressive. When I’m joking, a lot of times, people can’t tell that I’m joking, which makes it funnier for me but awkward for them.

I used to be a very shy person that lacked confidence or self-esteem. Now, I’m outgoing, confident, and I love myself even though I can be a huge assh*&e sometimes. I don’t know for sure how I changed or what caused it but after thinking about it, I wrote down some items I do that may have contributed to my increase in self-worth.

Laugh

Find a reason to laugh. We all have flaws and, though mine are annoying, when I compare them to other’s they aren’t so bad. I know I’m a good person and not a douche nugget like so many others I know.

Be your own biggest fan

Celebrate your own damn accomplishments. If no one else is proud of you, or even if they are, celebrate yourself! For example, I got tired of waiting for my family and friends to recognize my achievements. I started buying myself a treat anytime I accomplished a big goal and I also gave my own horn a couple of toots on social media as well. It turns out that I can live pretty easily without the approval of others.

Dress up, hussy up, and show up

There are days I don’t want to get up, or work a sixty hours a week, or parent but I drag myself out of bed. Then I dress up, slap makeup on, put on some accessories and go do what I don’t want to. Once I am looking better, I start feeling better. I tend to feel how I look.

Physical Activity

This has always been the bane of my existence. I am an outdoor girl but I absolutely hate exercise. I have found that if I do something active and heart pumping that I can count that as exercise. So, I’ll take a walk with my dogs, clean up around the house, go fishing, or go help my parents. Then I don’t feel like I am exercising, but I am still being active which makes me feel better overall.

Skincare Routine

I maintain a skin care routine, morning and night most of the time. I will wash my face, tone it, apply moisturizer, eye cream, and oil treatment. It sounds trivial, but it makes me feel cleaner and ready for sleep or the day ahead. I call it my spa sessions.

Hobby/Creative Outlet

Ever since my former therapist recommended creativity as an outlet for me over a decade ago, I have always dabbled in an art or hobby of some kind. At the moment, it is mosaics, gardening, journaling, and writing. I don’t know if it is an outlet, but I enjoy it and don’t intend to stop anytime soon. I know I’m not an artist, but I feel proud of myself when I create something.

Not everyone is capable of seeing the beauty and worth inside of them, but the rest of us do already.

Posted in Humor

Lady, Wash Your Face!

Canva

I don’t know why I was so surprised, but after hearing all the praise surrounding the latest bestselling book from a well-known internet and inspiration guru, I expected to learn a few new tricks for dealing with my life.

I paid sixteen dollars and some change to learn absolutely nothing. Here’s a quick sarcastic summary of the book in question so you don’t have to spend any money. I didn’t learn anything that is not common sense.

Don’t apologize for being you. Don’t apologize for not being perfect. Don’t apologize when you mess up, it’s a sign of weakness. Just don’t apologize.

She has amazing sex because she stopped caring about her body’s flaws. She has four kids and has the most amazing sex life of anyone on the planet.

If you think you are not attractive, just tell yourself that you are. Then BOOM! You are attractive to yourself again. Also, force yourself to do the 30 day straight sex challenge. Just do it. She said so.

You can’t control the chaos of family so just learn to love it. Life is crazy and no one can control it. In other words, give up trying to clean. You can try again when they are eighteen.

Dirty pans rest on top of gas stove.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Washing your face will solve all of or most of your problems. Washing your face and brushing your teeth will cure any disease that you might have.

Said author admittedly had a vanilla crew, aka all caucasian friends, so she ventured out of her comfort zone, made new culturally diverse friends, and recommends everyone does the same. Note: see the above title that all of this should be common sense.

Several generic stories about how not apologizing and washing her face made her life so much better. Also, her son said something mortifying to an authority figure and she didn’t literally die because of it.

You literally can wear whatever you want anytime. It’s all about how you feel in it. Do you, girl.

Be fabulous all the time. Be fabulous every day. Wear a shirt that says fabulous on it. Get it, girl! But never forget, you can be fabulous in sweat pants wow while apologizing. And never, ever weigh yourself.

Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself what an amazing basic girl you are! Then, put your Uggs on and go get a pumpkin spice latte!

Stop lying to and breaking promises to yourself. When you make yourself a promise, keep it so you don’t get mad at yourself. There is nothing worse than when you are giving yourself the silent treatment.

If you dare to say no to yourself, refuse to acknowledge it, and argue with yourself. Who are you to deny yourself? What the hell?

There you have it. A complete synopsis of a book that got someone famous. Look who’s laughing now (it’s not me).


Posted in Humor

Finding the Time to Write

Ways to Make More Time in Your Day

I work a full time job as a real estate agent in addition to managing one hundred and eighty seven rental properties. I am on call for twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. These two jobs alone keep me busy from forty five to sixty hours a week. Then I get home and the real work begins. The job of Mom and wife.

A lot of times in my life, I never get asked, “Kylie, how do you find the time to write? You have six kids, two dogs, two birds, a turtle and a husband!” What can I say? When you love to do something, you will do anything to find a way to make it happen! Nonetheless, I have had to make some allowances in my lifestyle to make time for my writing career. I can’t quit my jobs just yet so I had to make minor adjustments in other areas of my life.

Television

I have not watched television, including Netflix or Hulu, in seven or more months (what I hear on the television as my husband watches doesn’t count as I am diligently working away). I don’t even miss it that much, although I have been known to get sidetracked now and then when Naked and Afraid is on. When that happens, I self punish real quickly with a flagellation session and I tend not to do it again. I still read all the time though. There’s just no way I’m going to give that up for anything.

Hygiene

I’m already forty (ish) years old, so I figure I’ve already done as much as humanly possible to help my skin out. Are those charcoal masks and eye creams really worth the effort I’ve been putting into it? Or that fifty dollar exfoliating polish? I don’t think so. So, I’ve stopped washing my face on Tuesdays. That cutback alone gives me an extra fifteen minutes a month for writing.

Music

The radio in my car died so I took that as a sign from God that I was not supposed to listen to music. Instead, I think about all the articles that I am not qualified to write on my forty minute commute to the office. But really, who gets to make the decision if someone is qualified or not?

Hair

To save time during the week, I have stopped using shampoo and only use conditioner. My hair seems to be a little bit greasy, but I have definitely gained at least 30 minutes for the month in writing time. I’ve also saved a dollar fifty. #Winning

Texting

I am so efficient at texting that I thought I would save time in my life by shortening all of my vocabulary to text format. For instance, instead of telling someone I will be right back, I just say BRB. Instead of laughing, I just say LOL. This has really saved me countless hours of time better spent writing. A lot of people around me seem perplexed by this, but I know what I’m doing and that’s all that matters.

Water

I have reduced my water intake from one glass to none. I’m dizzy and my hair is falling out, but I have a lot of time to write.

Face

I have always had what is known as RBF. That stands for resting bitch face to those of you that are not plagued with this horrible condition. I used to hate it because people got the wrong impression of me all of the time but now I love it! It saves me so much precious time and gets me out of countless conversations. I’m currently trying to figure out how I can make the face in RBF even bitchier!

Diet

I have really saved a lot of time by cutting out my weekly meal planning routine. Now, instead of worrying about all that, we just eat tacos every single night. They are extremely mobile so that means I can also cut corners by eating them in the shower.

Exercise

LOL, I just cut this one out completely. Ain’t nobody got time for that.


This article, along with all of my other ones, is probably not as helpful as “How Much Money I Made Last Month” or any of the other ones that seem to be plagiarized on a constant basis. But inquiring minds never asked me, so I thought I would let you all know how I get it done.

I try to stay humble even though I get massive amounts of things done on a daily basis and I’m super awesome.

I’m not saying I’m Superwoman, but no one has ever seen us together in the same room at the same time. Do with that what you will.